I think without madrasah I'll be really way too far gone haha idk weekly reminders of the kind of person I aspire to be are really helpful like a wake up call for me. And all the regrets keep coming back. And all the 'I wish'-es too. I wish I knew these things. I wish I had more knowledge. I wish I wasn't such a bad person. I wish I didn't do some things in my life.

And I wonder - is it possible to feel so much for someone you don't even know? To seriously consider serious thoughts about that person? Ie. marriage, family and the future stuff. Is it possible to feel extreme remorse for someone if he leaves, when he's not even yours to begin with? Idk the thought of losing you - the thought of not having you - fills me with even greater regret and I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Such a great inspiration and motivation you are I want to be selfish to want and keep you forever because I know that you'll be a good husband and a good father and there's nothing more that I want than that. Haha I can't believe I typed that out sigh. They say you'll save yourself for that one, right person and I'm thinking that it might be you - even though I know it took me this long to realise.

Please be good for me and I for you because there is nothing more than us that I want. They say that if it's good for you, it will be yours haha please be mine. They say marry someone who makes you want to be a better person, marry someone for religion, and I feel so very strongly about this.

But who am I to you. I never knew what it was like to feel inferior but now I do, I really do feel so. The kind of inferior that wouldn't even spare me a second glance from you.

:(