Promise me you'll always be happy by my side.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
11:55 PM
If I were a vulgar person I think that by now every single blog post will be 90% filled with expletives.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.
Why is it so difficult I don't understand. I need to get away for a few years maybe. Fear and desparation is all I feel.
I don't know where I'm going but I don't think that I'm coming home.
I want to run away. Running away from your problems won't help but sometimes it's the only way. I cannot drown the voices inside of my head and it's driving me insane.
Don't listen to a word I say.
I don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I'm just surviving. I'm not living. Is life really about surviving? To survive living like this?
The truth never set me free.
And on the inside, I'm broken. Why do the most broken people smile on the outside? Why do the most broken people still have faith in others but not in themselves?
If life was a movie then it wouldn't end like this.
Thoughts in my head lately: die, die, die, cmi, dumb tortoise, stupid, cmi, retain la, [bad words], die.
Take my hand and we'll run away.
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for numbing the pain for me. Thank you for being my drug. Thank you for everyday. Thank you for going to school and home with me every single day. Thank you for your love.
If I lose myself tonight.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
10:20 AM
I'm already dead; I'll rise to fall again.
Really cannot take it anymore goddamnit this is the end I am screwing up everything I can possibly screw up I am so far gone there's no way back.
So baby I will wait for you.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
9:40 PM
Eee haha why still got blog views when I don't even advertise my blog link after I post ._. Anyways it has been a week since I last blogged omg I wanted to blog earlier but I didn't have the time (I still don't) and gah I swear I keep saying the same things like my life is in a mess really need to get my shit together blah blah but I really wanna cry because I can't. :( Also cos my priorities are screwed up too. Screwed for all my subjects too and when I mean all, it means H1, H2 and H3 subjects lol. :(
Idk man it's not nice to say things like that. What ticks me off the most is not about someone retaining, it's about others making a joke out of it/looking down on that fact. Yeah grades pretty much determine your future but I guess what's most important is that people change for the better blah blah JUST KIDDING grades are extremely important in Singapore and that is why almost every single blog post of mine lately is about studies because it is so freaking stressful and I don't want to retain because that will be like the end of my life.
Yeah sure retaining is bad, but by making fun of others that makes you even worse. Why have brains when you don't have a heart.
And I'll look after you.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
12:53 PM
I want to remember, and I want to be happy.
Idk I feel funny because it's like those carefree days when A levels are like the non-existent fear/dread for juniors like what are As what are exams and now I'm like superrr worried about even promoting to SH2 gah. And yet even with all this stress plus cyberbullying whatnot I still smile through it all and it feels kinda good in a weird way yeps it feels good to know that people are there for you. It feels good to be able to smile through the pain hahaha.
These days have been really good and I'm really thankful.
You make a first impression.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
7:39 AM
Ermahgawd I'm happy. Haven't felt like this in so long. And I decided to blog only after 24 hours to make sure that I'm legit happy and yes I am???
Ugh dammit I shouldn't be feeling this way it is so wrong ugh. Ugh what happened to my rationalizing side ugh.
Pretty much the conversations in my head right now:
"Ermahgawd I like him!!!"
"Are you mad? No."
"Yes I do!!!"
"Nonono what happened to all your morales huh!!!"
"What morales I don't see what's wrong!!!"
"Gdi can you just die."
Yup like I didn't study for econs lecture test and I feel like killing myself now because gurl where are your priorities!!!
So yaaa wth man I am so conflicted in a happy sense??? Yuck. But the word happy is still there haha. Thanks for making my day!!! Or maybe my week or month or year :)))
Haven't legit liked anyone in a long time.
I'm feeling distracted and likewise attracted to all the things that you let me know to all the things that you can't let go.
Forget about everything and run away.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
8:50 PM
I decided that I shall have time to blog about each day this week LOL.
Mondays are nice days most of the time. Bearable days because earliest days haha. Today I decided to take things slowly. Idk I feel that everyone lately is rushing. This life and everything. Nobody finds the time to stop and actually enjoy what they are doing, which is sad. So for the first time in a long time, I strolled home. I know I always stroll home from the bus stop to home but I mean stroll from school to the bus stop to the mrt. First time in forever that I didn't actually want to rush for the one-in-6-minutes train. First time in forever that I didn't rush down the escalators. First time in forever I willingly missed the train home. Did it feel good? Yes. Didn't sweat, breathed normally, happy thoughts. I think it's important to enjoy the simple things in life everyday. I admit, it's not easy but it's nice when you try. Though my knees are starting to hurt but I think it's more of a mental than physical pain, haha I don't know.
Hmm Tuesday right. Tuesday was following Friday's timetable which kinda sucked because I end school at 4.30pm on Fridays so I ended at 4.30pm plus math consol from 4.30pm to 6pm plus training (gymming) plus external training which was fun but I'm really tired I don't think I can do this but I don't have a choice right haha.
Wednesday ugh I can't remember :( Pubstunt day and went to school at like 6.50am which is like my earliest in 5 years :))) OHYA and cultural mapping thing. It was okayyy just really hot and Bukit Timah Nature Reserve again lol but yup it was okay I guess. Went back to school for NDC preparations after that haha we packed a crazy amount of plastic bags I swear I am fit to be a factory worker now. Went home super lateee like yesterday.
Thursday went to school early again but not so early because GM but yup still early. Blah blah Thursdays are the days where I get so confused about my timetable like after 8 months I still cant remember >< Umm so after school was preparations for NDC again until lateee but I did get to train a little haha ohman my stamina is as bad as my stickwork I think. Thanks all for the applause because I goalie-ed with just gloves and saved like three balls HAHA thanks thanks I never felt so good hahaha but ya reached home late again.
Friday was NDC!!! Reached school at 6.50am again this life is crazy I cannot take it, really haha. Overslept in trains lately too, like today, Paya Lebar and again City Hall ugh. NDC was good it's my favourite NDC feels nice to actually be part of it and actually see people I know being part of it aww so proud :) Floorball with SST Alumni after that was awkwardly good haha and lunch too. Unfortunately, I came prepared for floorball, not with social skills T.T Made new friends and got a lollipop too aww haha and oh we won 12-7 haha I think I must remember to write the scores or else I'll forget in the future :(
Saturday - National Day!!! I love NJ for being so patriotic hah celebrating by wearing red and white every day :) Mmh anyways so training and I didn't have my suit or stick so that kinda really sucked but it was good still but ugh again staminaaa. Hopefully I'm more prepared for Floorballholic now though :P PW after that ugh hot weather and going to school on a public holiday yuck. Tuition after that aww Nath bought for me Gongcha I am so grateful + touched + blessed + happy haha idk lately I feel that some people are so nice I don't deserve it, like free Fish n Co on Friday omg thank you really. :')
Sunday lazy day. Finally the first day of the week where I actually woke up late but it ended up being a really unproductive day :( So yeah like now I think I am going to study. Try to rather. Oh I finally got a Floorballholic team today aww :) Gah so much work so little time omg promos are coming, H3 stuff gonna be due and I haven't gone down to IMRE in ages and there's still PW stuff ugh again I must say that I really need to get my shit together. JC life ugh I can do thisss.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
11:16 PM
Today I started to think and rethink about the choices I make/made in life. And I'm just so scared that I'm doing the wrong things sigh. This was going to be a happy post but I am so worried now sigh. :(
Wow okay I have decided I hate you all of you and I am so over you ugh you all of you are so mean. It hurts to know you're happy, yeah it hurts that you've moved on. It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long. It's like we never happened, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all.
Played for Adelphe today it was funnn. Compared to Thursday's training lolol that was just tear-ible. Terrible I want to cry. But yeah today was pretty good against VJ haha but my throwing is so bad I want to die. And didn't get a clean sheet though I REALLY wanted to but ugh conceded a goal which reminded me of NUS Tenses but then again, reminds me of every single stupid goal I concede because I can feel that lately, I very lag or something sigh. :(
Quite fail because we went to VS first then went to VJ lol but my first time in VS so I didn't mind haha. VS is beautiful omg thank you government for coming up with such a beautiful layout and everything. It was so nice like RJ but on a different level haha nice on a government school level?? Idk but ya. Being tourist-y today.
But honestly I was really looking forward to today's game even though Thursday was bad hurhur. But honestly when we actually started playing I got scared LOL like the nationals kind of scared omg. But honestly the trick is to look confident even if you're not but anyway I had faith in my team so yay. My team hahaha idk man ugh.
League or no league? Ugh I hate that I trust people so easily and that I can't say no sigh. Need to get my priorities straight ugh need to get my life straight and need to excel in everything!!! Health and studies gah one I can't do anything about it, one I can, but is that good enough. My knees don't hurt but the thought of them hurting makes them hurt if that even makes sense and I know I'm into this sport which like all sports runs the risk of injury but still ugh.
Hello mercy I have been searching for you lately.
Friday, August 1, 2014
9:01 PM
Random thoughts of the week.
Sigh sigh what a dumb tortoise. Probably screwed ELL presentation and Chem lecture test but sigh I guess I tried and this screwed is probably 164920x less severe/major as (ungraded) CTs but still.
Yesterday was such a bad training day though I was looking forward to it really :( don't even know what I was doing. Don't even know where to put my face now.
This week wasn't even a full week yet I'm so tired and sick ugh. Tired and sick of life. Need to buck up man. Monday holiday, Tuesday and Wednesday MC, Thursday and Friday Sports Science Conference. Which was more interesting than last year's in my opinion but probably because I didn't attend Day 2 last year :( but this year was kinda more small scaled I guess? Fun but skipping lessons aren't thaaat fun :/
Sigh sigh I'm starting to realise there's like a huge difference in teaching styles. Lectures are a definite no-no like really baaad learning nothing half the time. Tutorials are so stressful ugh half the time I don't understand. Consolidation is the worst but then again I haven't been going for many due to reasons. Consultation is demanding but it is effective and makes me think. Help from people makes me think too and that's good but yup both are slow, painful processes. Tuition is a breeze I feel smart like I understand everything but only for that moment, like I lose all knowledge gained the moment my tutor steps out of my house ugh. Sigh sigh. Need to buck up man.
So on the way back in the bus I overheard a conversation between a mother and son (secondary level) ABOUT ECONS OMG. Like taking econs is good in JC blah blah sigh education system :(
Mmmh sometimes I don't know who to trust because people come and go so easily and well people make me doubt people and it makes me sad because I guess I like trusting people. But sigh the people whom I thought would be there for me aren't. Quite grateful for those who maybe pretty unexpectedly care though, even though we may not be close, even though distance and time has kept us apart. Thank you my legs for always standing up for me and my hands for always being by my side. HAHA JK. Really thank you my friends who have been there for me through thick and thin, good days and bad days. You shine a light on my dark side but you don't care what you see.
