Thank you even though you don't know.

Aye I am sad today is a bad hijab day HAHA. Wah I don't even use that word it's so weird but ok more English-ish I guess but ya you get my point!! Sian as much as I think that my self-discipline has greatly improved, my spiritual-discipline has become really really bad I am even more sad because I know it's really really affecting me but I'm not doing anything to help myself :-(

And I know because I was really good in primary school and God sure rewards good deeds sigh now look at how shit I am now :-( but really difficult la I cannot stand how I succumb to peer pressure and stuff a lot. And I feel so so bad because I know what's right and wrong but I'm not doing it :-( and I keep thinking that there's time to change but the truth is there isn't.

Also makes me wonder why am I even taking diploma classes in Islamic studies like it is very interesting and relevant and I like it a lot but oh my god I suck so much it wouldn't make a difference to my spiritual level??? Idk la very insecure that's why I'm gonna cut 99% of ties once JC is over :-)

Ok wow who am I kidding 99% of the time that I was awake today was spent thinking/daydreaming of things I really shouldn't!!! Also sorta waiting for things that won't happen lol that's why I'm still awake and wasting time double posting but I guess I'll go and sleep soon because my eyes are hurting!!!

Also don't feel like I'm studying enough sigh studying is never enough.

What if I do badly? I really really really did try. And yes although I realise that my writing style has changed slightly in the course of these two months I really do still feel insecure and pressured about grades and studies what a sad fact of reality and I really hate school and how demoralising things are (still) but I really want to do well.

I am really worried. And they say I'm not doing anything to address this problem which makes me even more upset like just breaking down eternally because it really means that all I'm doing isn't enough because results aren't showing and if this isn't demoralising enough, add the fact that some teachers are really mean and horrible and I bet they exist just so as to bring you down too - as if I don't get enough of that from the people around me already.

Ok goodnight I will forever have such insecurities in my mind sigh. I will (maybe not but still) forever keep thinking of impossible things that will never happen yay. C'mon just need to last another six months. Everything else can come at me after that idc!!!

It's been six months now but I think I'm okay now. Took me thrice as long to get used to being without you than when you were there but it's okay I'm okay. I don't know how or why but I am and I am thankful that I don't have to keep hurting anymore.

And somehow, these past six months alone have been one of the best six months of my life. For once I was independent and had a clear vision of what I really wanted in life and nobody was there to stop me. I stood up for myself and worked hard for myself and only myself. Yes, alone, but not lonely. For most part of it anyway.

It's been six years since I was truly alone and I admit I kinda miss the attention but what's the point giving up everything for shit people who don't actually care. It's been six years since I've really focused on studies and important things in life and I must say that I've regretted a lot in these past years. And I've grown a lot more cynical towards love and relationships in general, and I know it's mean but I cannot help thinking about how couples are going to break up sooner or later because that's just the way it is. We might think that we know what we're doing, wanting to prove everyone else wrong, but truth it we will all succumb to it because we are not strong enough or mature enough to take on such huge responsibilities.

And this is why I will run away from these goddamned feelings because I'm sick of feeling things, more than I am sick of being alone. Things will never work out and I know better so I better not disappoint myself and tear down all that I've built in these six months. What a waste. Of effort. And feelings.

Wew two months later I'm back!!! :-) ya this private insta thing is really too addictive I would say. Because of the limited audience compared to twitter and main insta? And wordpress is so stressful i need to arrange my thoughts well and phrase them nicely. But sometimes blogger is cool for long posts and for people who actually bother to read hehe so I hope you gain some nice info here!!! If that's what you're looking for :-)

So I've been pretty good at ignoring people lately, which is a v v v bad thing I think. It makes me feel very self centred from my usual reciprocating self but I'm glad I'm doing less of that because some people really don't deserve it and they really don't deserve my time. So even though I still spend forever on insta I somehow feel that my productivity isn't as affected as compared to when I'm interacting with people? Again, self centredness sigh. But well if y'all really cared then just watch my private insta for a daily dose of my life and thoughts!!!

But other more pressing thoughts which have been bugging me lately I don't know why and I don't like it because it makes me feel rather mean :-( since when did I care oh no. I know half a year is a rather long time to get over somebody (and believe me I still think about those things on some days it's hard to forget it's hard to move on) but I really didn't think my self control game was this weak. I promise myself I will not do it. I will not let myself go that far and ruin myself and ruin you too.