Feel like a failure cause I know that I failed you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
8:55 PM
I want to give up it hurts so bad I want to forget who I used to be. I'm not the same person as I was before. I want to forget all my dreams and aspirations. I'm not able to realise them.
I am such a failure it hurts I am so disappointed in myself and everyone is so disappointed in me. I want to run away and run away from my problems and my haunting grades and the looming A levels. I am not ready. Will I ever be?
How did I become like this? I no longer know who I am, or who I was. The person who did so well in school without even trying. And now I am the person struggling to even keep my grades on par with the average.
I am not average. I am better than average. Why am I failing? What happened?
I want to give up but I cannot and it hurts even more to keep trying and failing.
There's a fire burning in my bones.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
4:44 PM
A levels have screwed me so much and the stress has totally gotten into me that I've started watching cartoons..... my mental capacity has just degraded to half my age oh god it's like I'm 9 again this is mad I am going mad.
Prelims was baaad for chem and math anyway. Times like this when I wish I'd gone full arts instead sigh at least I'll be failing one less subject.
Lately I've been feeling very cold, like, getting cold easily sigh. Can't stand exam venues with aircon without jacket (I almost froze to death in that one hour of chem mcq (i failed it anyways)) and even in buses and trains and shopping centres I cannot survive oh my god what is wrong with me. :(
I hate waiting sigh I wanna go RSAF nownownow ugh stupid medical my heart is ok. :( but oh well hopefully good things come to those who wait!!! As much as I try to keep my excitement to myself I still can't help it especially when I see RSAF people like every other day idk gah I want. :(
So many dreams so many aspirations I keep thinking sigh. Thinking about interviews, about life, about marriage and children and my own home blah blah such big dreams which will never come true if I flunk A levels and I have 43 days to change two failures to two distinctions but they are my weakest subjects god help me. :(