Finally friday omg never have I ever looked forward to fridays so much like this year haha and I think the thing about being in j2 is that you are constantly reminded of how close As is and it's really really stressful sigh. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE RESEARCH IS OVER!!! It was really a good experience, I dont mind doing it all over again. And although I know I'm far from being the best, at least I became a better person through this and it is something that I will never ever regret. Time to focus on my 4 H2s and GP!!! Yes I am grateful to have not been forced to drop bc really I wouldnt know what to drop sigh. As much as my combi is painful and risky and lonely (only one in the whole cohort), I actually kinda like it. Like a good balance between arts and sciences bc hybrid, lots of breaks so I have time to study (yes I'm a closet mugger) or sleep like today bc v v tired hahah. And most importantly nobody with the same combi hahaha bc ppl will get sick of me and then I'll get sick of people getting sick of me that I'll rather be alone haha. But yeah sometimes it sucks to eat alone. That's the only thing bugging me the most. That's the only thing I hate about school actually. Seeing people when walking through corridors and being alone during breaks that I'd rather skip lunch zzz but whatever la one more year here then I'll be gone.

Anyways tutoring today again!! :) I love tutoring/teaching really, but I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with being an MOE teacher, yknow the prospects of being in a school again and going through all these social problems I already face as a student so no thank you. But yeah I love teaching haha embarrassed myself today though :( but it's okay bc the students I was teaching that qn to didn't really have the drive to learn anyway. Which makes me really sad bc they remind me a lot of me.

In primary school I tried my best really. I loved studying what I was studying. I loved going to school. I loved doing hw. I loved education in general. And seeing these kids struggle with basics really breaks my heart bc they don't know what the future is like. I didn't know either, and I regret. I wish I had someone to tell me that going to a mixed school wasn't everything. To tell me that distance was an important factor, especially when my parents cannot afford to send me to school. To tell me that friends are only as important as a means of being a better student bc ultimately everyone uses you. To tell me that studies were and are very very important. That I should not waste time. To have someone to teach me and be patient with me.

And I now know why I did so well. So to all you people who keep asking "wah siao how you get 281?!?!?!" here's my answer. I loved education. I loved school. I loved waking up for school. School was near, I didn't need to spend 3 hours on average every single day for travelling. My teachers cared about me which made me like them a lot bc I felt special. I quit floorball in p5 and became CCA-less up to PSLE bc academics are important. But also bc health is important, so I wouldn't tire out and sleep in class (started happening in jh3 when my grades started to drop). And most importantly, I had the support from my family. Or so I thought. Idk, I was young I felt that way. How my parents spent time teaching me concepts I didn't understand in school. How they believed in me.

And everything changed bc its no longer there. I don't feel that the support is there. And I don't blame them. Bc they can no longer teach me jc or even secondary syllabus. It's not the same to take up tuition, it just isnt. And I don't blame them. But I hope that I will be a better parent to my children in the future. Bc things will get tougher, and I want to be able to help bc I know what its like to be alone and helpless, the feeling of giving up every single day, facing failure every single day, facing unsupportive people every single day. And that is why I no longer dream. I no longer share my ambitions or my future plans bc people will just laugh it off and its not funny. Its not funny at all to me and sometimes I wish theyd just die.

Sometimes I think that I cannot be as bad as those whom I grew up with who end up at the bottom of the society, taking their lives away slowly by engaging in underaged smoking etc etc. But then I realised, I was already dead, dying under all the pressures of education, of jc life and its society and all the societal norms of top student go top school. And maybe, these people whom I possibly have looked down upon, have more life than I ever will have.

Blogging only because I cant sleep and will probably end up watching too many videos for my own good. Idk wasting so much time whenever Im at home so yeah. Basically late night thoughts/thoughts which never really left my mind.
Happy cny!!! Like every other festive occassion is to strengthen family ties and rekindle relationships blah blah right but sometimes I wonder whats the point when you dont even really mean it? When you do things for people who dont even appreciate or care because they share the exact same thoughts as you do. Just because its tradition. Just because you need to follow traditions in this Asian context. Are traditions important? Do they define us - or do they define our ancestors? Thoughts haha this is why I will never write GP essays on tradition because personally, there are a whole lot of people that I wish I wasnt related to - both by blood and by water I guess? And I think the feeling is mutual. Why would you want to be related to people who have no impact or a negative impact on you?

Which is why I should forget. Its time to let go and move on. But really you can never forget, just find someone new to make new memories with and pretend that old ones dont exist. But I dont want to be that kind of person, just finding another. Yes its easy when guys throw themselves at you but the feeling isnt there anymore. I think that the older you are the more mature you become and you finally understand that its not about popularity and its not about how you look or how many guys fall for you but its who you are and how you let people treat you and basically, human interaction. And sadly, I lack the latter aspects. And yes, I regret. I regret not thinking. I regret being so naive. In many many instances over the years. If I could turn back time and tell myself what I know now, maybe I wouldve been a better person. But knowing me, I would be stubborn and not listen anyway.

I wish we all knew what we were getting ourselves in. Because I didnt and I live with the consequences. Of having close to no friends (definition: someone who thinks that their your best friend and would choose you out of everyone else just as you would) because I think such friendships form at a young age and I guess Im not blessed with such friends. Being alone is nice, being lonely isnt. But it really bugs me on where to draw the line between trying too hard to make friends and making an effort to socialise. Theres always someone better. And theres always an odd number of people. And somehow I always end up alone.

Of giving up so easily. Which has led me to taking on everything because I dont want to miss out on anything. I dont want to look back and regret not trying something. Even though Im jack of all trades and master of none. Even though I may fail in the end at least I tried and knew. Even though it hurts in the end at least I enjoyed it for a moment.

Of love because I dont think I will ever understand the concept of someone loving me as much as I love them. Or the concept of someone loving me at all. Today I watched 500 days of summer and I admit, it was kinda weird like I honestly dont like summer but Ive come to realise that maybe I am summer. And it makes me feel so so bad because I dont want to hurt people. Summer is so eww why would anyone like her. Just like me ha ha. But it would be nice to hurt people and fall in love in the end. Thats mean and heartless but thats what having your heart broken does to you.

I just want to do well for As and get a good job and get married and realise that all Ive been worrying about wasnt so worrying after all. Yknow how when we were young we had dreams to be rich to stay in a huge house to go overseas to travel the world to marry some bigshot etc etc but I really just want to be happy now. Ive lowered my expectations its such a wonder why I cant achieve them.

Im not sure of a thousand things but I am sure that I will never ever revisit my past even though it may come back to me because those things were never meant to last and I knew it from the start and I will remember it for the rest of my life. Not because Im bitter about it but because Im better without it. I wish people were different and I wish I didnt misplace my feelings but its okay someday things will be perfect it will be worth it all this while.

I long for the day my vision isnt clouded by tears and my thoughts arent clouded by you.

Days when I feel like decativating all my social media because it sucks to see stuff. It sucks to see people happy when I'm not. Hahaha how childish of me. But yeah I wish I was happy. I know happiness comes from within but there is none.

Sometimes I think if I'm even deserving of love or friendship or anything at all. Am I not good enough? And to run away from it all - from the answers which will taunt me - I cut off ties with people. I don't get close to people. Because everyone leaves anyway. In the end everyone ends up alone.

Is it so much to ask for? To have someone care for me for once. Not buy me things but doing things. Sigh I am hopeless idek this post sounds v v v despo maybe I am. It sucks to be alone and lonely.

Really blogging v little nowadays actually really talking casually to people v little nowadays bc v v v busy sigh. Orientation was good actually, sad that it's over but still really really worried about studies. Why is it that every other batch besides mine seems better sigh. But anyways great bunch of people haha especially having the councillor perspective like looking out for potential councillors and stuff. I see similarities in OG21'2014 and OG21'2015 like the bgoh personality. I wonder if you'll be better than bgoh hmm. Also bgoh pangsehed me for mass dance i am so pissed ugh. :( but okok la at least ogl camp we danced tgt loool. And ya omg i suck as an ogl la i never wanted to be an ogl bc bad memories of ogl-ing in jh2 bc i sucked ok i'm really not ogl material i'm sorry and half the time i was away doing elections stuff or something :((( i'm a sucker at convos but i really wish to have someone i can really talk to sigh. (Bc typical me pushing away the people who want to talk to me.)

I think i'm very mean to treat people v badly and v cold but really i don't like you please stop being so creepy it hurts bc i wish it was someone else caring so much for me i'm sorry. And then again i think why am i still feeling so down until this very day. I should stop thinking really it's not worth it no one is sigh.

This is my 1000th post since JH1 haha and i was planning on deleting posts bc blog posts are the only thing that i have never deleted since forever unlike fb and insta sooo i shouldnt remember bad things i should delete sigh it is hard to let go.

Sigh I should sleep but so many things on my mind I don't even know if I'm doing things right. I'm picking on the scars that have yet to heal, much like picking on the pimple scars on my face sigh my face is a mess my life is a mess. Do I really want to know? I should be letting go. Need to stop crying AGAIN why do I let such things affect me? It's been so long already.

Still waiting for the birthday when I get a floorball stick from my boyfriend ha ha.

Orientation :((( I'm really not OGL material sigh can I do admin work instead :( and it really bothers me skipping lessons sigh I'm really gonna die its February already so close to As...