Life is so miserable I've never felt so low ever like EVER. Why are all the bad things coming back and all the new problems cropping up idek. I miss my old life before a lot of nonsense came. But then again, if not for all this shit, I would've never met the amazing nath ☆☆☆ hahaha god I miss him in a sense. Feeling very helpless lately why can't I do things on my own why am I so crippled? A levels in 230 days I am not ready.

Idk looking back I was dumb I shouldn't have stooped so low what was I thinking what was I feeling but I'm fine now idk it took so long but I'm okay now barely holding myself together but as good as ever. Many more things breaking me anyway I feel like crying life is so miserable math is so demoralising I've never felt like shit or so shitty before until today I think. What changed? Why?

Yes I do put in effort but I think there's no point showing you anyway. I've reached the point where I really cannot care less about my parents knowing how badly I'm doing in school because I can't help it. And what's worse is that, they can't help it either. Nobody can and I'm alone.

Would be lying if I said that I felt fine, that I was okay. I shouldn't even be typing this on the bus wtf I'm so prone to crying don't even talk to me. I don't even want to cry I don't even want to care. Yaaa dammit I'm fine I'm fine it doesn't matter. I wasn't expecting to win anyways. I'm not a good speaker, I'm not even a speaker. What's the point of having a relatively good project when I cannot communicate it.

So ya what a disappointment I am. I hate that word. I hate that that word encompasses who I am. So what if I did well it was not well enough. The judges didn't think it was well either.

No mood for anything. Why is this deja vu of last year. Me rushing to school again for floorball. Only last year it was much better because I didn't really expect to win as much. And floorball last year was worthwhile. Nothing is worthwhile this year. What am I doing with my life. I'm not good at the things I love. I'm not good at anything at all. Singapore education hurts my brain it hurts my heart and I know that I'm the cause of it. Absolutely hate being disappointed. Absolutely hate being a disappointment.

Don't say I'm the one when we know that I'm not.

The title of this can be and should probably be interpreted in more ways than one sigh. Yeah my studies are so bad I am so sad I wish I really really could do it. I'm trying I really am. And idk keeping all these feelings inside and one day I just break. 2 March is too much for me to handle sigh. Don't wanna be the one crying this time next year. The fear is real.

Help I'm trying to push these stupid thoughts out of my head bc they are really irrational and stupid. Why do I try to distance myself to not get hurt and even make a conscious effort to do so but I cannot bear thinking of really being distant :( I really should not care help. But I do. Anddd also I don't bc it is afterall my own life right. Hahaha and also besides that problem there's still the childhood crush problem which is even more stupid bc it was so long ago and it is more than irrational but I have an even more irrational liking as well as hurt bc I know it will never happen HAHA like really the odds. Yeah some things defy odds but this...nah too much. I also don't wanna think about it sigh am I that lonely that I keep thinking too much!!! I just want somebody sigh. Not anybody but somebody ((I cannot ever bc really really out of my league even I'm embarrassed at myself and my low standing sigh)). And no it's not a material aspect it's religion haha I can never reach that standard not now not ever bc it's too late sigh so ya I need to stop thinking before I do something stupid again. Bye!!! I wish it was real I wish it would last forreal sigh it would be nice.