One more week to sealing my fate for my whole future oh my god. Just kidding even Ms Tan says A levels aren't important (in the long run I suppose) so I guess it's okay if I retain HAHA NO IT IS NOT OKAY I WILL DIE. Sigh if only I put in more effort and pon school less hurhur I guess it's a little too late for that lol but still for once I think that I'm relatively smart, like maybe my dormant-since-PSLE brain cells are finally awakening again?!?! Taking too many chances on math though didn't study for lecture test and timed practice and still managed to scrape through so I can't be that screwed for promos right? WRONG OMG I AM SO LOST IN ELL HELP.

Note to self: NEVER take up new things. Eg. relatively new NJ-IP programme, relatively new ELL syllabus BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND NO SHIT ABOUT ELL (SINGAPORE-CAMBRIDGE SYLLABUS) ONLINE (haha double negatives) but yes the fear is real :( and I'm too conditioned to the rigid textbook-smart education (that's not a really bad thing ok) :D SO GIVE ME ELL TEXTBOOKS AND TEN YEAR SERIES PLEASE (wait they probably don't even exist) haha but ELL is cool if only I really understood it :')

Sian it's only Wednesday I was already like dying yesterday just kidding I was already dying since Monday just kidding I died a long time ago this is mad I think I'm falling sick again. Wanted to write parent's letter to pon school today but I FEEL GUILTY IF I SKIP CHEM even though I don't learn anything but :( but really omg falling sick halp too much coffee hahaha I'm practically living on coffee. Kinda like how coffee keeps me just awake enough to study or zombie through lessons but not powerful enough so that I can still get a good night's sleep (but it is never enough) sigh what is life I rant too much yes I shall blog about more current less immature issues from now on in an attempt to improve my failing GP grade (even though it's too late for that :'))

Haha realised i either spam post everyday or not in a long time but since promos are coming sooo. Oh gp yesterday hurhur tbh imo to sum it up it wasnt a killer paper (i think it was to save us) but it killed me anyway yeah.

I want to remember sigh i hate forgetting but things are slipping out of my mind and i just cant stop it idk its painful to really look through my photos and calendar just to recall what happened on what day but i dont want to forget.

I want to count years, not weeks and months.

Hello hello term 4 tomorrow sigh this year passed by way too fast. Like im still trying to accept the fact that im not a secondary school student anymore??? Time is mad fast and promos oh my god dont let me get started on that.

Sigh education system. Everything on twitter is practically like:
Not ready for school tomorrow
Can i not go school tomorrow
Tomorrow is a nice day not to go to school
Try not to retain
Promos sure die
Try not to die

Yeah you know how it goes. Idk sometimes i wonder how did people survive this hell on earth. Why did i even come jc sigh. *well because i cant possibly go anywhere else right i dont exactly have a choice because top students need to go to top schools thats what society wants thats what my principal wanted thats what my teachers wanted thats what my parents wanted*

Update: ugh so pissed at myself bought the wrong thing kinda from paper market but not really but yeah. Gdi it's thursday already.

Dreading tomorrow (or later today) because lessons. And also because i plan to run before that sigh. And i obviously lack sleep. And i just sneezed. And my nose is blocked and my eyes are watery omg am i falling sick again ugh.

I hate myself for feeling this way it's not fair that everything takes you away from me.

Update: I did not run today besides running to school lol omg kill me now.

Gdi really not enough sleep. Studied today but more like realised how much i don't know and how screwed i am for promos omg hope i dont retain or drop to h1 math or something. Kept stealing glances at a guy sitting like 10 metres away because i was that bored omg. Haha but he looked familiar idk maybe it's just my imagination i need to stop finding people familiar. But loyang point macs is nice and empty kinda haha and there arent many people studying there so thats great and there are interesting people to look at haha i like staring. Oh and i ate macs. Without you.

Feeling conflicted between being upset or just sad. Also need to stop having such a shitty attitude but sigh idek anymore because -refer to previous sentence-. Wanna write i miss you on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you.

Super duper tired because went night cycling hehe with my dad :))) it has been ages since I last cycled but it makes me happy. I know it's probably the only kind of holiday we can afford but it's more than I can ever ask for. Conquered 50km hehe from Pasir Ris to Changi Village to East Coast Park (until we hit 25km) and then turned back HAHA yes I was determined to cycle 50km because previous personal best was 42km I think. Yep it was a good night and I am thankful and blessed. BUT IN CASE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME HERE'S PROOF HAHA cos too lazy to post on Instagram. Blur picture of the full moon because cycling and taking pictures. :(

Slept at 3am though and woke up at 7am because needed to go to research omg my whole body was dying but like I always do, hehe automatically waking up when I reached my stop so I didn't miss Bouna Vista :P it sucks though because I missed the 95 I took yesterday URGH just because I'm wearing nice running shoes doesn't mean I would run!! But yes I ran for my bus at Pasir Ris and omg it felt so good (besides almost spraining my ankle and besides my burning muscles).

Research was bleh tiring as usual.

Went Paper Market after that!!! Omg I wanted to buy everythinggg and I spent more than I originally planned. :< but I hope it's worth it hehe.

So I've been sitting on this broken chair (with one missing roller) all day today and yesterday and I'm like thinking, why in all places (IMRE) do they not replace this chair because Health and Safety ???

But ya anyway, dying in research again. Did chrono ampheremetry today (do I look like I know what's that?) which involves lots of waiting so ya. I know I should be studying but I'm just so tired. And I even slept early last night ugh and I could barely get out of bed (and reached IMRE late lolol).

Idk super tired travelling from east to west of Singapore every day I'm glad I don't study in the west hahaha although central is still pretty far but it just doesn't feel as tiring travelling.

I swear I probably bled more than enough blood to like save 5 lives or more (1 bag of blood is around 250ml and saves 3 lives) gdi I'm so tired and blood makes me nauseous and go away stomach cramps can't decide between punching my abdomen or ripping my stomach out.

Idk it just doesn't feel the same anymore. To know, or at least have an idea of, who's reading what I post because, y'know, APC audience purpose context thing, I'm starting to be aware of audience and that's gross because I like to write without objectivity.

But then again I think I'll be a different person if I didn't blog, like I wouldn't be thinking of such things in life at all or like look back on life and reflect blah blah, which is probably important I guess, although my life is stupid.

Looking back I wish I didn't quit third language. Yes it was hard but, hey, it's just O levels. Looking back I wish I went to a different school maybe. Looking back I wish I didn't stop floorball. Looking back I wish I was smarter and made smarter decisions.

I think that we're too young to make decisions in life like secondary school or jc/poly or subject combinations blah blah. Or maybe it's because I regretted my decisions. Or maybe it's because I didn't know what life was like. Or maybe because I was too sheltered. I don't know. Lately, I see people not knowing what they'd like to be when they grow up because the possibilities are endless, or none at all. Closed so many doors for myself by not being able to take physics or biology and yes I regret.

But hey, regrets are part of life and I'm used to it I guess. Just make the most of what you have and don't make rash decisions. Shrugs. Who am I to say.

Met this guy from NUS Engineering in my lab yesterday haha it's cool meeting new people but I'm weird and awkward soo. Like sigh idk people ask me what my name is so I reply them back without asking what their's is omg what a noob. But yeah. NUS is pretty darn crowded now that uni term has started. Sigh will I even make it to uni.

Because putting stuff on Instagram is waay to risky haha so 20 facts here instead. Also because I'm saying more stuff here which I'll never there HAHA.

1. I did this Instagram 20 facts thing before but it was during my dumber, naive days.
2. NJC was my only choice for the secondary school choosing thing and I'm still not sure if I don't regret it anymore.
3. Got rejected by NUS High DSA and I was really quite upset HAHA though I could have appealed but I guess some things weren't meant to be. :(
4. Idk my love life/life in general is mad even I don't understand it but I guess things happen for a reason and they made me a better person.
5. I honestly do not know why I have so many haters because my life sucks. (Refer to 4.)
6. I prefer my primary school friends/life in general than my JC/JC ones LOL yeah I mean JH/SH.
7. I'm an introvert and I'm not even faking it omg. But yeah I cannot sustain conversations in real life hahaha aaawkward tortoise.
8. I trust people easily but I don't trust many people haha idek do you get it?
9. I sleep late doing nothing/doing unimportant things like this.
10. I cannot study at home haha favourite studying places: macs or sbux.
11. I like being alone but I don't like being lonely.
12. I am a thrifty person LOL except when it comes to food.
13. But then again I have weird eating habits like I'm constantly hungry like a week before my period and after that week I'm like meh food.
14. I can't sing really haha or maybe because my sister says so and that's why I will never sing in front of people.
15. I change favourite colours LOL from yellow to blue to orange to purple to sky blue to turquoise. :)
16. I used to want to become a teacher then a biomedical engineer but now I realise such aspirations are useless and just too fluffy for life in general.
17. I'm a writing kind of person. Not a talking/doing kind of person haha. I express myself best through writing.
18. I cry a lot over the stupidest things although I really try not to. But trigger words: "you are a disappointment".
19. PRPS floorball is love although I know I sucked haha but still school team so (Y) and PRPS > NJC
20. I am an optimist to everyone but myself. I see the best in people and not in myself.

School sucks haha I don't even know how I'm surviving but yeah it's nice to have a break for awhile even though it's not really a break because research. Getting my life back together finally I can feel it in my mind.

I love Sundays haha because religious class. Four years just to get a diploma let's hope I'll make it through without defferring modules because that would be so troublesome ugh. The only thing that keeps me sane sigh. And today it made me think: How did people actually memorize books on like medicine and psycology and all the different schools of thoughts blah blah it's mad I can't even memorize one page of my econs notes. How did they make it through this life without being swayed by earthly matters because truly, they are tempting. And I hate myself for knowing that there's life after death but I am not prepared for it.

Don't get too close, it's dark inside.

So this year is probably the first year that I didn't go back to PRPS or even meet any 6A people for like a proper reunion and that makes me sad because they are people I don't want to forget, they are the memories I want to hold on to. I promise I will go back soon. Someday.

I don't want to leave this town. Walking around here tears me up and brings back bittersweet memories but I would like to live with that. To remember who I used to be and to regret who I've become now.

Sometimes I question my sanity. Like why am I putting myself through this a second time. Am I mad. Is it not enough to support someone through Os and abandon my studies once, that I'm doing it all over again.

I have a new resolve to do well and not retain.

Oops this is late but Happy September LOL. And this is the time when everyone is like "Wake me up when September ends" but nooo don't wake me up when September ends because PROMOS!!!

Omg I am so not prepared but yeah I know it's like in the middle of the night but I AM SO RELIEVED I FINISHED MY RESEARCH PLAN!!! But yes it was my fault anyway because I procrastinated SO MUCH even I cannot believe myself. Sobs. Yes I have this love-hate relationship with research and practically with everything school related just that research has more feels haha.

Oh and the reason I'm awake now is because I took a nap from like 7.15pm to 8.15pm HAH MY PW ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. Yes naps increase productivity but I take longgg naps hurhur.

Thanks for the memories haha although I can feel my discipline starting to become lax omg this is bad I need to muggg. September holidays finally haha I need a proper holiday :( but that'll be like at the end of next year after As, and that's assuming if I promote.

It's daaamn scary why is this so true? I seriously hypothesize that there's something about smart primary school kids who go on to NOT shine in the future. Some, not all. And I'm not just saying this out of personal experience. It has been around lately and the more people I meet the more I realise that this is becoming more apparent and it scares me. It's not about our shitty attitude towards learning, it's something deeper, in our brain cells. There's something about doing really well in your early years and not anymore. And some people don't do well at first yet end up spectacular. It's just two really contrasting outcomes, and sometimes I wish I belonged to the latter.