Aye my blog views for May is 1/27 of my total blog views (that's like 1100+ views out of 27000 views btw I know my math is bad) and my blog has been around for, like, 4 years now hahaha thanks guys I know my stupid life right now is really worth reading LOL. (Stupid life right now thoughts: I hateee seeing couples around sigh I get soo angry and upset in my head :( excluding the couples I ship of course but yeah. Gawd. Being alone after all this time is tough.)

So this thought crossed my mind just now about my KBM4 religious textbooks which I gave Ariff and my parents were asking me to give them to Mahathir because they read our text convos blah blah. But I already gave Ariff even before they knew it and I'm so happy because that is probably the only right thing I did in my life and I am so glad it happened. Like hah first time I had better judgement than my parents. Lol first and last time probably. And I am slightly upset because of my parents' usual lecture about how you can't trust people so much blah blah. Omg I get it okay. This is a cruel world. You use people and people use you. That's it. Sigh. Maybe they only see people using me but what if I have been using people too? Then am I not deserving of this treatment? Sigh. Sometimes I think I believe in reciprocating too much.

Anyway I won't be tweeting this post like I usually do because I tweeted the lyrics of this post before heh heh. On a side note, if you haven't listen to The Cab - Lock Me Up EP, you should!!! It's nice :))) and stuck in my head hehee.

Research is so tiring I think the travelling really kills me (and my wallet). But its funnn. I feel smart haha jkjk I learn new things. And my supervisor is niceee la I mean like who takes the stairs in IMRE anyway??? Stairs aka confusing escape route :x and he tells me about nice places to eat around IMRE hahaha (not NUS Business definitely but it's the nearest and I don't mind). And the IMRE security guards are nice too, they remember me from last year :))) and me likey the internet at IMRE :) here's to a good research year :D

Hahaha society is weird. People judge when they know, but when they're oblivious, they're fine. A long time ago I posted about sitting in public transports and people not sitting beside me, depending on whether I was wearing a headscarf etc etc. Urgh judgersss haha jk. It's implicit but it's there I guess. Even that picture going around Twitter a long time ago about someone in the US (probably?) experimenting on this implicit theory hahahha. It is true, just saying. Like, did you know, what I tweeted was from the Holy Quran hahaha it's beautiful and it's true and everyone could relate to it but nobody knew that so it was fine, no flaming, no judgers hahaha. So like yeah, Islam is beautiful and it's the truth.

And yes, although I'm dying under all the pressure from all my commitments, I will never ever give up Diploma in Islamic Studies. It's beautiful knowledge that I learn, even better than in school. If not for it, I don't know how worse off I'll be man. Thank you for guiding me all these years. I want to be a better Muslim.

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you;
and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.
And Allah Knows, while you know not." (Al-Baqarah verse 216)

So this post isn't really about today. Partly only anyway. So happy I didn't have to take the EHS test!!! (I really hope they won't make me come back on Thursday due to unforseen circumstances though.) But I wasted my day sadly. And CTs makeup are next week omg I need to studyyy. And I have to go IMRE again tomorrow. Do you know how far that is it's even further than school for me. :(

Urgh kinda upset because I really wanna board in Term 3 I mean like for the first time I kinda really have friends now but nooo can't board. And like imagine how much time I'll have minus all the travelling time from the east of Singapore to the west of Singapore every day. But whatever man. I kinda accept the fact that I'll never be able to board if it's not compulsory. So much for parents supporting boarding in my Council application.

So much for parents supporting my current mental and emotional state. Okay fine it's not difficult for me to move on. I mean it's not easy but of course it's all in the mind. But still. Everywhere I go I see your smiling face. Every song I sing I sing in hopes you're listening. Loljk. But seriously. I hate the east of Singapore. Everywhere I go like literally we've been there together. We've been there in happy times. Do you know how much it hurts. I want to run away from my life. Don't you know you're everything I had?

But thinking through, it's kinda crazy, this thing we've been in. I don't know if it's normal or I'm just starting to realise but people actually help and offer to carry my tray/clear my plate??? Like that has never happened in our time together??? Come to think of it Jazzmen cleared my plate at MJ that day, Bryan carried my tray at KFC last week, and Dian Ang cleared my tray at NUS today like whuuut why are people so nice to me I'm not used to this.

Life is weird. Weird things are happening. But you still suck. And I don't wish you the best in life because I suck too.

And truth be told I'm lying.

Two weeks. Time flies haha. Of course I still think about you. Though I try not to. It's not as often now, anyway. Which makes me feel kinda sad because I'm starting to let myself forget you. But remembering you brings pain even though I try to remember the happy things. Sometimes I think that if we were in the same school things wouldn't end up like this. Sucks (sorry for my language) that we're like this now huh.

I don't always hate people. Believe me I don't want to hate you. But it's easier that way. I have so much in life to look forward to. So much commitments even without you. Floorball, Council, H3 Research, Diploma in Islamic Studies. (Yeah thinking about this I think I really created a recipe for disaster for myself.) And I hope that at the end of next year, I will do better than you. I'm not competitive when it comes to you, heck (sorry I need to mind my language but lack of a better word) I gave you everything I had and helped you in every way that I could. And being a competitive person that I am, I NEVER give my notes to anybody. So consider yourself lucky urgh. I am better than you. I will prove it.

When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell. You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell.

Wow today was a bad day. Today I had the courage to change my iPhone wallpaper. No more us. But other than that, yeah everyone would probably have guessed that I obviously cannot let go that easily. I thought I could. But after today, hah nooooope.

My heart is breaking all over again. I'm sorry MJ is a nice school, tainted with bad memories. It's only been a week plus and here I am again feeling just as terrible as I did last Monday. It hurts. I don't even know how many times I broke down today. I am so affected.

I wish you missed me like I miss you. I hated seeing your face today. It hurts so much. And to my team, I'm sorry. We could have won. We really could have.

I wish you came to support me. And not just walk away. Three meters. So close yet so far. I know you knew that it was me.

I wish this didn't hurt as much. I wish I could walk away as easily as you did.

Day 7. One week has passed. Lol I swear this has got to be the worst week ever. Slept at 4am on Tuesday and Thursday and 3am last night. What is sleep.

Day 7. One week has passed. I need to stop thinking about you. I don't want to forget. I don't want to "burn our polaroids" contrary to what I tweeted. I don't have the mental strength or the heart to do that. :( so yup. Our polaroids still stuck on my wall. Your things still on my table. Your notes still in my wallet. Your convos still in my phone. Your contact still saved in my phone. Your picture still my iPhone wallpaper. Doubt my picture is your wallpaper though right.

Day 7. One week has passed. Barely holding myself together. Gets worse every time people try to help me get over this. (But really, thanks for the good intentions, I appreciate it, it just hurts gah.)

Day 7. One week has passed. I will stop blogging about you. God this is so hard. I will forget about you just like how you've forgotten about me.

I wish that I could press rewind somehow.

Day 6. Nice weather, if it didn't remind me so much of the times we walked in the rain, of the times we were in love lol.

Really busy and really tired but I still really think a lot about you. Really tired of thinking about you when you don't do the same.

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time 
Even if I never cross your mind.

Happy birthday to my dad and Ariff hahah.

Don’t think I can do this if I’m not with you.

Day 4. Haha yes I know it's already past midnight so not really Day 4 but still. So what's new I obviously screwed up nationals today. Spent my night doing council work. Wow it's crazy tiring T.T but it keeps my mind off things. For awhile at least.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to my friends. Those who were and are here for me, since Day 1. Sigh. Thank you. @solitudinem_ @jizzmanteo @tanazity @jamieballerina @merkuschua @ong_k_c @le_kern @bryanplane @ariffhussain_ @adayum97

I don't know man. People think I'm so nice. That I deserve better. But really, I don't know. I've done wrong things too, just maybe not as wrong. Just maybe at least I apologise. Just maybe at least I was/am serious and loyal. I don't know. Hah. I did so much for you people say our roles should be reversed. Joke's on us.

I don't want to think, but this might prove to be useful someday. Sigh. So hopefully for the last time I shall rewind that memory of us.

1. You acted so cool like it was nothing, like, "Hey what are you doing here?" YEAH OBVIOUSLY MAYBE I TRANSFERRED SCHOOL???

2. You treated me like I was your servant, asking me to help you buy a drink. Take out your money to help you pay. Carry your drink for you. I really wouldn't mind if you were more sensitive. I'm not even asking for you to have offered me a drink.

3. You lied. Going around telling people that you broke up in February then what was that about loving me in March huh.

4. You said I deserved someone better. I said what if I don't. You said then maybe in the future we'll be together again. I AM NOT AN OPTION DAMMIT.

5. You said I deserved someone better. I said why do people always look for better? You said you weren't looking for anyone. HELLOOO GUILTY CONSCIOUS MUCH I SAID PEOPLE IN GENERAL, NOT YOU.

6. I asked what do you want. You said you wanted to be alone. You said you wanted me to be okay. I asked if you're breaking up with me. You said yes. I cried. You said don't cry.

7. You said it was your fault. Then you're not doing anything to make things better? Even if you were breaking up with me?

8. I asked what about all our things. You said you'll keep them because you treasure the memories. Well certainly you don't treasure us and our promises.

9. You brought up things which we promised not to. But nevertheless, you didn't keep your promise of running after me. I don't know, am I insecure and are you insensitive not to care?

10. What about this Victoria person who claims that you're her best friend and you told people that she was your ex. What when how.

Wow I just realised how gross that is. If I were from VS/VJ I will never date someone called Victoria that's just weird. Okay that's a random comment but yeah.

Don't think I don't know about you. Don't think I didn't know about you and your past. But I gave you the benefit of doubt, maybe people just didn't know things from your perspective. I guess I'm lucky enough to know both.

Do I sound angry? I'm upset and disappointed.

I don’t love you
I don’t need you
I don’t ever want to see you again

Cause I don’t think about you, every single night
I’ll be fine without you
I sleep tight when I’m not beside you.
I’m moving on.
No, I don’t cry about you, no those ain’t tears in my eyes about you
Gonna be fine if I die without you baby I’m gone

These are the lies that I tell myself at night
These are the lies that are keeping me alive
These are the lies.

Day 3. Guess who couldn't sleep last night lol me. So many thoughts running through my mind I swear I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about things. I don't even know why I'm counting the days. It might as well take forever.

Truthfully, I can get over it. Temporarily, at least. Hoping that I'll be able to hold myself together until after CTs. Until after promos. Heck, until after As. And I cannot retain. Cannotttt. My love for you is strong but my resolve is stronger hah.

Lol the only reason I sound fine right now is because I'm typing this while on the way to school and I need to sound fine right. I need to look fine too so yup. Still dying on the inside. Doubt I can pay attention at all. Two hours of sleep. What a joke. My life is a joke.

To the girl he now loves,
Take care of him because maybe I didn't, I'm sorry. Support him in everything because he's the most insecure person I know, especially under a lot of pressure. Always smile for him. Take lots of pictures. Don't eat Japanese food cause he hates it. Give him your time. Call him, text him, skype him, meet him, whatever. Surprise him. Don't run away even if you don't mean it. Let him win arguments because it's not worth getting angry. And finally, last long.

Haha okay after typing that I am not fine. I cannot cry because this floorball guy senior is sitting opposite me and that would be bad haha. Okay I shall not think so much now. Thinking hurts. But I don't want to forget.

Haha I didn't really want to blog about this because it's really personal but I would really regret not doing so. So yeah. Before tomorrow, before things change forever.

Heck. Why do I make it sound as if things really are changing for the worse/worst? *thinks rationally* because I have so many friends - good friends - saying the same thing. It may sound fallacious but considering the...nature...of this...and the person(s) involved...sigh. You get my point.

It's really quite upsetting. Quite upsetting is an understatement. I said this before and I'll say it again. We agreed not to leave until one of us is convinced that the other found someone better. We promised. Did that happen? No, as far as I know. I repeat, we did not freaking break up. If we did I'd be in tears for days, weeks and months. What happened to loyalty? Or is it just one sided because I've lived with Loyalty with Integrity?

I have so many questions unanswered even though I asked. Is it so difficut to answer? No. I don't understand. Why are you doing this to me. But anyway, with the help of my truly good good friends, I will finally know the answers tomorrow. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I just want closure. Even though closure is such a negative word to use.

Honestly, I'm having mixed feelings. If we truly end everything, I will be devastated. Beyond devastated. But if I were given a choice, I don't trust myself to make the right decision. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust you. I have never been so close to someone as I have with you. What about our promises and dreams of the future? What about us?

Sometimes I feel stupid like everyone is judging my boyfriend taste or something but I don't know. Do I have low standards or something. I don't know. Do people understand that the reason I don't "deserve someone better" is because I'm not a good person? People like me deserve the worst because I am the worst.

I said this before and I'll say it again. My feelings for you have never changed.

It hurts. Fridays always hurt the most. Fridays are the days where I try really hard. Fridays are the days where I think too much about you. Fridays are desperate days where I feel my heart rip out of my chest every time I see a hint of you online. I am desperate. I hate it.

Emotional turmoil over the things happening in school. Council and floorball. And studies. And everything actually. Five days a week I work like a machine, efficient and emotionless. Friday night comes and I just break down.

Somehow, I don't think I can survive another week like this. I need you. Please. I'm sorry if I say I need you.