Lol really feeling all the negative emotions today/ytd pfft so guess who spent 10 hours on research and 5 hours on math back to back what a noob ugh I'm so depressed and upset and too far gone that I don't really care if I get one verbal warning for not finishing my homework bc I REALLY TRIED AND I JUST CANNOT OMG I HATE MY BRAIN. Aaand the number of people I trust have shrunk yet again idek anymore I don't care anymore ugh I should never ask for help ever again and just do things by myself for myself. Need to stop being upset when I brought this upon myself. What a let down.

4.30am now lol should I even sleep when I need to wake up in like the next hour lol my life what is going on.

Really don't care and really not giving out chances anymore and really not opening up to people anymore.

If life is all about chances -
taking and giving -
I think
that by now,
somehow,
I'll be
broke(n).

YES MY LATE NIGHTS AND EARLY MORNINGS MENTAL STATE IS REALLY UNSTABLE BUT IT MAKES GOOD POEMS.

Honestly as much as I seem to be in control of my life and my future and my plans sometimes I feel like it's all coming down because of my incompetency and it makes me so upset at myself. Sometimes or maybe most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing, what more if I'm doing the right thing or not sigh life is so difficult I'm spending hours on my research report which I don't think I can finish today, what more my homework by tomorrow sigh why am I so dumb and incompetent I want to do it's not like I don't want to do homework - really if I had the brains I'll be more than willing to do anything. (Or maybe not. Maybe I didn't that's why now I can't.) I don't know sigh I want to - no, need - to do things by myself and not depend on others because if I can let myself down, what more others?

Listening to the same three songs for the past 9 hours (yes that's how long I spend writing my report and I'm not even done and progress is slow and I still have ssef report to do but that's slightly easier) anyways yeah three songs: Neon Love - Karmin, Night Changes - One Direction and You & I - One Direction haha freaking moody or something today or lately I don't even know I don't even know what I want anymore back to the usual pushing people away sigh.

Can't quite grasp the fact that people actually like/d me ha ha stop liking me I don't even like myself.

I don't know how to react to all this the last time someone older liked me (or what it seemed like) was yeaRS ago I don't even believe it anymore I don't even want to and I won't.

I don't think it's fair to treat people the way I do but too many have come and gone lol sad that I'm getting more nonchalant.

Christmas today ha ha idk it's been forever since I spent my Nov-Dec period alone like yeah without nice company. Which makes me pretty sad because as much as I don't expect things, I was kinda hoping on getting a floorball stick for Christmas/my birthday ha ha well a girl can dream.

Next year is next week // next week is next year I better get my shit together forreal.

Funny how your touch used to burn me up now I'm not feeling anything at all. // Our love was made for movie screens.

Ahh spammed too much on my private insta I feel bad for my followers having to see my dumb rants but sigh my brain hurts. I swear everything that I hear will get the usual response of "idgaf" in my head because really.

1. I know this life sucks it's hard to find friends and I KNOW I won't have many/any after next year but idgaf really.
2. Idgaf if you think I study outside or just go out on dates or what bc you're right it doesn't matter bc my grades are still shit right. SO IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU SEE ME TRYING OR NOT BC I RATHER BE SEEN NOT TRYING AND FAILING THAN WORKING MY ASS OFF AND FAILING (the latter is the truth).
3. "Grow up" "no, not like that" idgaf I'm gonna be independent someday bc I believe that's what it means to grow up - half of it anyway.

Wanna sleep but I can't breathe. Gotta leave this life and all the foolish pain.

Ugh really strong urge to start swearing but there's no point when I have no content SO looks like I really have to start doing all my shit and really get a job and take driving and get a scholarship idc if it's overseas or NUS preferrably with utown or something so I don't have to freaking go home and face more shit like ugh it's mutual okay I don't want to stay at home and you don't want me to stay at home I'm totally cool with that pfft so much for proving people outside wrong looks like I'm on my own now.

Which is pretty sad bc I would really like a place to stay besides home like maybe boarding is a good choice ha ha I considered this before lol goes to show how much I think about my shitty future but anyway for now all I can afford is to stay in school/other studying places until late sigh better than nothing. I DON'T NEED THIS KINDA NEGATIVITY IN MY LIFE GO AWAY OR I WILL GET AWAY. Yes I will soon enough.

Would probably rant on my private insta but meh haven't blogged in ages and this would be too long for a caption so whatever.

"I love you."
Me: I don't believe you.

Sigh kinda wanted to blog more often but kinda feel that my private insta + talking to people is enough buttt fine I shall blog once in a while even though what I say here is mostly incoherent sigh how am I ever gonna be a writer :(((

Sigh kinda wanna not take psychology next time bc parents SUDDENLY talk so much about it how annoying. Sometimes I think people try too hard to keep and make a good and happy family but idk it feels as though it's too forced idk I've seen better but really idk just a random comment, no suggestions.

Sigh kinda busy with so many commitments buttt I'm a very committed person okay!!! Next year is gonna be worse hahah hope I don't die or burn out so soon hope things go well.

Sigh kinda not wanna be emotionally attached to anyone at all ugh stop it me how annoying. Worst thing is I kinda mix up between two people like my thoughts always always drift back to Jing Jie and ugh it sucks screw you I am nottt affected okay ugh.

Sigh kinda wanna lead a normal life does it make sense but I think that I'm not well-liked, but liked by many ha ha that's not a good thing. And I guess it is really difficult to find an ideal person you wanna spend the rest of your life with. And I still don't get it but apparently having plans have something to do with upbringing and environment but hey, having plans is good why aren't more people having plans like plans for the future plans for your future life partner. Am I thinking too much??? Bc I started thinking about these things since forever (okay maybe like last year) but yeah. Is 16 years old too young to start planning my life? If so, then when???

Sigh kinda realise it's too late to turn back now I keep making the same mistakes sometimes I think I'm too nice in a way that I can't say no. But like yes it's nice when people actually like you but it's not nice when they say so just to use you and just to try and see if things will work out IT SUCKS BEING USED but sigh I still let it happen bc of the rules I believe in. Sigh I will always reciprocate - good and bad, like or hate - and I can't really help it sometimes I wish these things never happened then I don't have to think so much and try to analyse people and their actions so much. And invest time and feelings. Is it worth it?

Wew retreat was pretty fun but tiring omg slept at 4am and 2am and 2am for three nights in a row dyinggg HAHA kinda half watched Pearl Harbor and Warm Bodies and The Book Thief each night but ugh it's so late I keep falling asleep >.> but the hotel was nice and the food was nicer!!! Tmr still needa go school then research and everything as usual :((( my phone battery mad sucks lately I think it lasts for like 5 hours ugh.

So many things to say but umm. Sigh why do these things happen I never even asked for this why is life so difficult. I cannottt screw up another time. And like omg this is why exactly my problems keep happening bc things like this keep happening and omg I'm making the same mistakes all over again I'm so dumb I HAVE TRUST ISSUES. And I wish there was I wish there were people I could trust.

I wish I could trust you. But gdi one thing is that rushing things doesn't make anything better why do people want to rush things it's not good it's not nice it's not fair I never really got to be alone like happy and alone not lonely and alone.

I hope grad night was great it was I think. There are leaders among leaders, but there must be followers too. Yet there are followers who wanna be leaders bc well we're all leaders but that's not gonna end well bc too many cooks spoil the broth or something but whatever sometimes I question my choices a lot of times maybe.