Got back 1/3 of MYE results today. I don't understand why the school wants to prolong it until Friday. And getting results slip in Term 3. Not even the first week because of SISC. And like College Day, students are invited (forced) to go. Sighz.

Like, I don't even know how I got into ESTaR with such crappy results? And majorly screwed up interview. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Really.

I'm not even disappointed anymore. Just...at a loss. Truth is, I kinda really studied. Compared to last year. Yet I knew my results wouldn't be great. But this is just beyond disappointment. Beyond tears. I can't even cry. Accepting the fact that I totally suck at Physics no matter how hard I try.

What is life, but struggles and failures?

Just kidding. I know I'm being pessimistic. And although I, perhaps, give good advice, I doesn't work on me. Sighz. Leave me alone and let me mourn.

So lately I've been thinking about my past haha. Like, what's your earliest memory? How does it differ from person to person? How do these memories shape people? For me, my first memory was in kindergarten, or around that age. Anything before, I can't remember. It's not even a blur or fuzzy details, just nothing. It's pretty sad because I think those were happy times which I should remember. That's why I try to remember things now. I don't want to grow old and not remember anything, just living in the now. If I can't remember anything, I should at least remember my life.

I like how I come home to an empty house, sleep in an empty room, wake up to an empty toilet. I don't have to deal with frustrating experiences with my sister. Who makes me feel like I'm being judged for everything I do. It makes me feel like a totally different person at home and outside. I can feel it. I like quietness and solitude. And yet what is life without troubling times and experiences; putting on different facades of your personlity depending on who you're with. I like one who can see it all and loves them, or doesn't mind. Accepts. Acceptance is hard to find. I keep thinking how different life would be if I had gone to RGS or NUSHS or CGS. Like how things would turn out. Will I be a better person? Will I be a shallow minded individual? Will I be as indecisive?

Experiences shape an individual, but I can't help but think of "what ifs" and "if onlys". Am I doing this right?

I give up. Seriously won't get to go for AEP trip. It's to LONDON and VENICE and PARIS yknow. I can't even use my own money?? Feeling upset but trying to think of why I even care because I'm not those kind of people who wants to travel the world amd whatnot. But still. Isn't it cool? So cool?? Yeah so what it's a school trip it'll be fun! But nooo it's "a waste of money" gah I feel like bursting into tears and throwing a tantrum. Ohwell. Must maintain my composure. Enduring the silent stoicism. Heh. New phrase I learnt today.

So yeah I wasn't gonna blog but I couldn't help it. Because right now it feels out of place to even confide in you. I wonder why I even think about it.

Ass week is less than a week away the pressure is eating me away I can feel my brain starting to overload and cram from all the stress and info. Plus all these added "problems".

I WANNA GO EUROPE IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS. IT'S IN JUNE. PEOPLE CAN GO FOR GERMAN IMMERSION AND DESTINATION IMAGINATION TO US AND WHATNOT WHY CAN'T I. WHAT'S WRONGGG. Sobs. What's wrong? What's wrong is my mentality to spend on unneccesary things. What happens after years of self-control. Actually what happens after being subjected to peer pressure in NJ.

Sigh. I'll never get this out of my head. Is 3.5k a lot? In terms of my savings, that's almost 75% so I guess that's a lot. Savings since primary school :/ and I still needa work and earn some income to fund my future marriage right? And me giving tuition isn't enough sigh. It isn't easy either. It's time consuming and tiring and even so with ass week coming I think I am crazy. Giving tuition when I'm already failing math. Joke.

I'm feeling the urge to bake a cake for Mothers' Day but I'm in a bad mood so no.

Urgh. Super duper lack of sleep. :( slept at 3am on Sunday night, 1am Monday night and Tuesday night. Yes I'm tired and usually in a pissed off mood. But then again, ass week is next week ohno. And I actually really want to go for College Day >< but I'm busy on a Saturday afternoon and who wants to go to school lol. And there's ass week. And I'm not prepared. I'm scareddd. That's why I really don't mind overworking my body.

Starting to feel like you're having no time for me and that's why I turn to other people besides you. Although I have so many plans for us.

Anyway I'm gonna post in my second blog so uhh please check it out? :3 and I probably won't blog until after ass week soo...yeah.

I wish I was a better talker. Even worse when face to face. I'm a good listener that's all.

I want to help. I'll be right here whether now or never for you.

Yes I am aware that I should be doing GS now but I'm typing this on my way home so yeah. Besides, I'm pretty fast for someone who did alone :3

Bleh was dying in school today but I managed to stay awake :') I swear I've been having weird dreams. Sunday night and Monday night I dreamt of someone totally unexpected. Tuesday night and Wednesday night I dreamt I was killing people. People are gonna think I have some sort of sleep disorder or split personality but noooo. It's those kind of passing dreams which are probably a result of thinking too much (I don't think of killing) and stress from school and the arrangement of my pillows HAHA.

I was trying to be healthy by eating fruits during recess today. I could keep this up if fruits were cheaper haha.

Lately I've been thinking about the MI Test article. It was something about students' IQ fluctuating, like some being really smart during primary school years and flop secondary school and tertiary, vice versa. This is probably assuming but I'm seeing it happen a lot. To myself too, and this is alarming.

Went back to shooting range today cause of NJCIS comm + exco meeting and had this sudden longing to shoot again. Sigh. I think my only problem is overcoming my fear of going down to the range and training with the people there. Ohwell. I do not look forward to talks tomorrow. I'll have nothing to say again.

Been doing lots of self reflection lately. Why do I crave social contact? Now, after almost half a year without more than one text buddy?

Been sleeping really late lately which makes me end up sleeping in class which is bad. Obviously. Things happen and some of which I'm kinda annoyed by. Some things I'm worried about. Tying to study hard and not think about those though.

Labour Day is great I think Wednesdays should be declared weekends (I don't mind Saturday being taken up) because everybody is dying in the middle of the week so a break is perfecttt.

Gah. I'm becoming a bad person and being influenced by bad people. I can feel it.