The weather in Singapore lately is so colddd like my heart. It's so windy but it doesn't blow my insecurities away. Idek why deep inside I'm so troubled.

I'm such a selfish person that people hate me and I hate myself. And for people who don't hate me it's because I have been making a conscious effort to not be selfish so yeah. A for effort maybe.

I want to do well this year. Really super well. I'd sacrifice almost everything for grades like somebody (whom I admire, no jealousy or envy at all really). Haha which is a first. Someone who, in some aspects, is my role model, which is quite a surprise since I never really found any purpose of role models. I am a closet mugger I don't care. I am a mugger openly I don't care either. I just want to do well. Again, back to my point of being selfish.

So angry/upset at some events in my life. Who likes their ideas and hard work to be rejected? Looked down upon? But it's not as if you have a better idea right?? I'm pretty open to suggestions but no. None at all. Yes, I expect a lot from others, especially if I can do the job better. And when that happens, I become selfish, again, back to my point.

I hate being me I am such a confusing person I push people away yet I want the attention. Though I know that it's stupid and not worth anything. I want people to know me yet I rather be alone. I want people who are better than me who can help me yet I don't like people who are better than me (subjective though).

I want to see you and tell you things but everytime that happens things just screw up and I get so pissed at every stupid thing you do and ask myself why did I even bother in the first place but I don't want to lose you do you understand my selfish needs?

Honestly, I just want somebody who can make me a better person. Somebody who can put up with my shitty attitude because sometimes I can't. Cmon, I will gladly cook meals and picnics and bake cupcakes and cakes and make cards and little notes and all those romantic things (in my opinion) for that person.

Lol who am I kidding is this a post to indirect at somebody? Yeah a few people I guess why am I so childish I hate myself.

It's hard to imagine that exactly this time last year I was sleeping. Sleeping, but happy. 2014 starts off on a depressing mood. Me doing chemistry homework. Exactly this time last year I felt more confident of myself and my studies. Now? Barely hanging on ha. I once said that the key to breaking me is disappointment, let me add on another: confidence. Because I'm not. Because I used to be. Which makes me, all over again, a disappointment.

Ironic how we have never spent the new year/counting down together. For two years now haha oh well.

But did you know? The day I asked you if you wanted to go out with me and you turned me down? What a cold, harsh reply. And it's stupid that it affected me so muc but it's okay. I can live with that. Did you know? I wanted to see you so badly. Did you know? It was probably the last time together we would have in 2013 and a long time before the next. Did you know? I wanted to tell you so many things in person but you never gave me the chance and it's all too late now. Did you know? Lately, I felt as though I was dying. But no, you didn't because you rejected me.

On a completely unrelated or maybe not note, I get jealous of couples who get together like a fairytale. Surprises and balloons in your room or flowers. At least it's physical. I'm not even asking for romantic.

Sigh skip the new year new me crap because I'm not gonna change. Not easily anyway. A leopard can't change its spots, but some people like leopard prints. Maybe just not you.

I really wanna love somebody.

Just kidding. Honestly I really don't because it screws me upside down and my studies inside out. But sometimes it is nice to belong to someone hmm.