And I know these scars will bleed.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
12:01 AM
I am fine now I am so much better heh. Three days - magic number three. Always ask three times, always confirm thrice. So I guess it is true and you really aren't coming back you really aren't changing your mind and that's just really sad I thought we'd make it I thought you were different heck I thought you understood.
As much as work sucks, it isn't always so bad I guess. Meeting some people are nice. They remind me of who I should be. They sort of guide and inspire me I guess. Especially this one person whom I talked to for about an hour (about stuff outside my jobscope) casually. Yknow, life and all. And it makes me think and realise I really need to find my own direction.
What hit me the hardest was "do you have a boyfriend" "no" "good dont bother just take care of your parents first and do what you truly love". Because maybe I'm really self-centred, can't wait to grow up and, well, live. But I gotta remember that as I grow up my parents are getting old too. And perhaps it's about time I really fill in and submit that volunteer application form for darul arqam ahahaha if I can't save someone I love, I'll save my fellow brothers and sisters.
The truth so loud you can't ignore.
Monday, January 25, 2016
12:55 PM
I just can't stop thinking. Gah. What happened to I won't be the one to be left, I'll be the one leaving. Should've left from the start. Nothing NJ related is ever good.
But I still keep wondering. Was anything even ever true or real? Or lies? Bringing my hopes up for nothing?
Need to stop being affected it hurts my brain I can't even concentrate on work or anything for that matter. Gah. Thank god for a good home. It's the kind I want to build in the future too.
My youth is yours.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
10:16 PM
You mean you really didn't think we'd last? Oh how naive of me to believe we would.
Are you even gonna try to reach me?
Saturday, January 23, 2016
8:54 PM
Is this how it's gonna end?
Worst things I don't know what to do about:
1. Polaroids. Roughly $1 per film exactly what am I gonna do with expensive pictures I cannot even bear to look at?
2. Tshirts. Are always most comfortable but it doesn't make sense to wear them. Rot at the bottom of my closet?
3. Stuffed animals. I can barely continue with this list here. Really.
4. Cards and notes. Are the words written even true to begin with?
5. Flowers. Even beautiful things will die. Even good things will end.
6. Origami flowers. I'm not supposed to give this back and I'm not supposed to throw them that's just painful I'm supposed to keep them for life?
7. Memories. Some things are hard to get rid of. Memories are hard to forget. Some things I still do remember. No purple vegetables no peas. Stuffed toys' names. Rainbow cakes and chocolate cakes. Waffles. Donuts. Chocolates from Germany. Germany things. The day you flew off. Your parade. Me freezing all the time. I remember forgetting important things too. I remember you.
I might miss everything you said to me.
4:46 PM
i want to count years not months.
"As for those who do not believe, it makes no difference to them whether you warn them or do not warn them, they will not believe."
i failed.
can we stop this for a minute you know i can tell that your heart isn't in it or with it tell me with your mind body and spirit i can make your tears fall down like the showers that are british whether we're together or apart we can both remove the masks and admit that we regret it from the start
So tired of the same old games.
4:07 PM
I'M NOT ALIVE IF I'M LONELY SO PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
Same old, same old. Just different places and different people. Same reasons I'm so sick of. Same me being vulnerable? Gullible? Stupid? C'mon I must be heartless!!! *somebody does something remotely sweet* aww that's so nice of you to care about me *heart softens* oh very easily touched and very difficult to say no.
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID OR JUST MY PERSONALITY?
Oh but I did know right from the start so I probably could tell myself 'I told you so' but it doesn't make things any better. Working sucks because you don't really use your brain in a sense so my mind will wander. Unlike schooling, where I can keep myself busy with revision and trying not to fail.
AND I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP WITH YOU ALL NIGHT HAD I KNOWN HOW TO SAVE A LIFE.
My tutee asked me why I looked so sad haha. I said because my fish died. I can't possibly say that because my boyfriend was gonna break up with me right but ya hahaha dumby me know already still pain sia.
CUT MY HAIR CAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKE THE LONG DO.
WHAT ABOUT NOW WHAT ABOUT TODAY?
I wish I tried harder but what's the point in trying I already tried my best and my best was not enough such is fate but I guess thank god for distancing me from what is bad from me. Even if I'm sad, at least my parents are happy and at least god isn't angry at me and I don't have to be so guilty doing things I'm not supposed to do and being so secretive about everything sure it hurts but all wounds will heal it's just a great pity I failed yet again.
AND I NEVER LIKED TO ADMIT THAT I WAS WRONG.
What about now?
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
11:05 AM
Haish it's one of those days again where I need someone to slap me hard in the face. Like "reality slaps you in the face" kind of thing. I am too easily touched? I am too nice? I can't bear to say no? They are all true I guess.....
"Who do you see in the future as being the one initiating the breakup? Do you think this is serious? Do you really think you can last? Would you stay forever? Through NS? Through your BMT + OCS? Through uni? Do you really think he's the one?" I. Don't. Know. (But isn't it stupid to date for 'experience' I don't even believe in that sort of logic.)
If I feel as though I have direction in my life, my life compass has gone haywire lately. 5 year plans? 10 year plans?? I FEEL SO OLD. In 5 years I will be 24 aka ideal age to get married; 10 years to have a child because I'll be like, 29, omg that's even older. But what about career??? House? Education? Relationship? I have 5 years to build a directional one hah what even. I don't even think people these days care so much about family planning, I mean, compared to career pursuits. The government must love me because I really wish to have a family instead of being so work oriented hahaha I don't know man. With marriage comes responsibility but before marriage comes a whole lot of problems I must solve which I have absolutely zero idea where to start or how to solve them more like. Why do I care so much why am I worrying so much isn't fate already predetermined haha I shouldn't try so hard. Buttt, do or do not, there is no try. I need direction and security - and not just for/from myself.
In other news, working sucks. But I shall blog about it in a nicer way on my nicer blog. Meh.
Too many problems in my life and too much insecurity. Don't leave me. // Please stay. // Promise me we'll make it through. Promises don't last haha oh well we are all alone in this world anyway.
And I've been so caught up with my job didn't see what's going on.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
10:32 PM
i cant sleep. done feeding my fish and staring at them swim and preparing breakfast for everyone tomorrow and cleaned the kitchen and refreshed my insta feeds 7382921x but i still cant sleep.
whats wrong somethings wrong i just dont know what i just dont understand. did i do something wrong did i say something bad was i out of place. am i unappealing am i disgusting am i too fat too ugly or too emotional.
am i not good enough?
Another lonely night.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
8:56 PM
our love was like fireworksburning hot
short lived
beautiful only from afar
another birthday alone
but who cares
celebrations are overrated
monthsaries are overrated
love is overrated
i was right about one thing
nj was a wrong choice
everything else related to it was too
am i a foolish person to fall for you
maybe im the one who cant let go
i wish i meant something to you
why do you do all this
did i push too fardo you love me
you dont care
it hurts
bye
We've got a love that is homeless.
5:54 PM
Contrary to popular belief, I am actually very aware of the consequences and implications of dating someone who is not...like me. Who does not believe in the things I do, who does not practise what I practise. And yes, I do think about these things. I know that there are many, many people who do not - simply opting to go for civil marriage instead of the traditional kind. Even more who really do not give a shit about religion aka if it means leaving my religion for the person I love, then so be it. But. I. Am. Not. Like. That.
It's not easy and I am certainly not one who is strong enough so why do I do it (again and again)? No, I don't really care about race or family name or status because of the usual 'wow interracial marriage!' 'wow mixed blood!' comments lately. I want to save people. But nobody ever believes me. I don't blame them. In a world where every act of violence by muslims is labelled as terrorism, who would even want to get close to a muslim? Oh but if only people knew the truth.
Today's diploma class was about marriage - how timely and relevant! I always like to think that I, no, we would be able to pull through. We would be able to make it. But I'm not so sure. It's not easy, but it's worth it. But for someone who has no background whatsoever, it is not even wise for me to be the only reason for converting. Please don't do it because of me, that's the worst reason ever. If leaving you would mean saving you, I would. That's how far I would go. Religion. Is. Always. First.
Why is life so difficult? No, why am I making life so difficult for myself? Just find someone else who is able to guide me instead of me guiding him. Someone who would be a role model to me and my future generation. Someone who would guide me to the straight path. It is also really attractive when someone asks for your hand in marriage with not gifts but with recitations. Haha I wish. Firstly, my current relationship status does not allow for that. Secondly, nobody would do that for me. </3
Topped my secondary batch and now taking diploma but look where my life is. Oh, in ruins. Ha ha. I want to be good. I want to have a good future. All I ask for is religion.
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that?
I want to give up because we both know that we won't make it and you can't do it so let's just face it and stop running away. No I don't fight and we don't fight but we need to stop having this cold war between us. Silence only makes things worse I know we probably have the least violent and unstable relationship but it's also so very uncertain for me I hate waiting I hate not knowing what is your answer. I know it's not easy but if you cannot take it just say so no pressure just be mature about it and don't leave me hanging and hoping against hope.
