And even though we had to say goodbye.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
6:44 PM
WHAt the only place where I put my ask.fm link is on twitter this means that my twitter isn't safe anymore and CHEAT MY FEELINGS MAN I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY GETTING DECENT QUESTIONS but whatever. Maybe I should private my facebook and twitter and blog and ask.fm and all. SO UPSETTING.
Aiya face the truth nobody cares about me I have no idea where everyone went my world is so quiet now.
Thank god for sisc because I'm really screwed for art. -cries- this is the most unproductive holiday ever but it's the holiday where I did the most number of random things.
We had the summertime of our lives.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
1:54 PM
I try not to think about it. About you. About things that happened. About everything. I really do. It hurts. And I don't know what to think.
Do you remember me? Did you choose to forget? Do you even need me anymore?
I'm still in love with you.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
2:55 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA0wb6E3hyg&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Give up the fight.
Friday, June 14, 2013
11:55 PM
Shot some shitty shots today which totalled up to 356. I could honestly do waaay better than that even without training just that I was sighting for practically half the time I was shooting. Ohwell goodbye my non-existent stand. Not sure if this spurs me on or further encourages me to quit.
Sigh it hurts. I don't want to inflict scars. What's worse, if it didn't come down to this, I could have done so much better. And now if everything fails it's my fault. I feel so bad. And that is gonna cause a huge disappointment. There I said it.
It's not because of lack or lost of love that I cry. It's the disappointment that I could and should have been a better person. To handle the situation.
What's extremely worst is that I had a nightmare about going home with this NJ senior (guy, obviously). Whom I don't even know. We were kinda good friends. They say we dream of people we've seen before somewhere in our lives. Yes, I've seen him around. But I am so scared. What's with putting such thoughts in my head?
I feel like I'm gonna die. It's stupid because the reason is because of my numerous mosquito (or ant or insect) bites (which accumulate to more than 10). And again, I'm not scared. I just can't bear to leave scars in this world.
Fasting because I have to pay back from last year. Believe me, I want to wake up every morning to eat but that never happens. So this is my third day surviving with only one meal a day. Not saying that I'm gonna die from fasting, I know I won't. Just that it's really, really tiring. Wednesday I was like having dehydration from shooting and running around. Thursday was a hot day and I had to go school again. Friday was shooting internals, like I said above. I feel so damn weak I might just collapse. Not to memtion breaking fast last night with a packet of Peach Green Tea and a packet of Hello Panda. Guess what, stomach upset lol.
The amazing thing is that while fasting, everything is so tempting. Red meat, strawberry ice blend, chocolate, milo, chicken, even boarding food. And when I break fast, I'm like so full after drinking 250ml of anything. But yeah, point is, there's no point. Just wasting your time reading this while I mourn over the temporal loss of a friend, or so we say. Just saying how my life is lately now that i have nobody to say it to.
You were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my daddy said stay away from Juliet but you were everything to me I was begging you please don't go.
Cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
11:13 PM
Read the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green yesterday. Teared a little too much. Maybe because I knew things were gonna change.
I don't want to be a grenade. I want to leave as little scars as possible in this world. Why am I thinking about dying? It's not like I'll die so soon right? I still have a future right? Thinking about dying is a side effect of dying.
Never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you. I thought this would be easy. How wrong I was.
When she was mine.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
4:16 PM
Not being gay or anything, but also no offence.
Sigh what the hell. Is it so hard to love somebody without having physical intimacy? Life is so difficult. Maybe dying is easier. Lol am I suicidal. Just that I suck at saying no. At voicing my opinions. Though I actually did. Why I fall for people? Because I think they're innocent and they actually care about me and they won't take advantage of me. Hah. How wrong I was. For the third time. Yes I am stupid it's not worth living my life.
We'll be counting stars.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
4:08 PM
Holidays that don't seem like holidays haha what's new. What's new is that instead of just going back to school, I go to NUS IMRE which is sooo cool! Although it is further than school but ohwells. ESTaR is gonna be fun hehe I just know it :3 though there is this test I'll need to study for in like one week and I have no idea what it is even about uh oh. Pretty darn excited I'm a few babysteps closer to my dream job :')
Besides that, I went shooting today. If not counting last Thursday, this is the first time I'm shooting in like 3 months. Feeling pretty sick and lethargic and tired lately so I apologize for my low standards but hey, 3 months is a long time and at least I don't, in a sense, "deprove". But meh. I was this close to quitting. Is getting a rifle stand that tempting to make me stay? Apparently yes. Sigh. This defies all my logic. Why stay when I have never really been cared about? In terms of equipment, I've gotten them all the last. I don't interact well, although that's my fault. Why can't I just start anew? Why must everyone tempt me and compliment me? If "wasted talent" is even a compliment.
(Gosh I'm blogging about so many things today to make up for the lack of posts and since I need to pass time in the train from Clementi to Pasir Ris do you know how long that is!!)
So yeah while on my way to NUS IMRE, the bus passed by NUS High (obviously) and now, more than ever, I regret. Why did I let such small insignificant incidents affect my choice? I wish I knew what I know now. I loved that school. It was the only school I went to for open house. I went there for Maths Olympiad a few years back too. Why didn't I appeal there, if not RGS? I didn't even know NJ existed. NUS High is just...so...beautiful... And in terms of uniform, neither are the lesser of two evils, in my opinion. Heck, I would have gone to SST too, if not RGS, if not NUS High, if not VJ IP. Such regrets. Such wasted opportunities.
The number of dengue cases in Singapore is too damn high. Especially in the Nort and East, according to Today paper. God I'm scared. I'm sick.
I've been wasting too much time in life. I've been wasting too much life. Just hoping that my decisions now, although not the best I could have made, would be worth it.
This time we'll fade out tonight.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
3:13 AM
Had really interesting and inspiring things to share but I'm not feeling too good now so I'll save it for later/another day.
Should have never started. It was fun though. It is fun. Fun Run I mean.
Omaigosh help. I swear something broke. Not physically. Emotionally maybe. It's something. Close. Within or close. Or both. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I can't say a word. I can't even breathe. The feels. Feeling that great amount of emotion large enough to wake up my two years dormant poet in me but no. They all end bad. I will not write a poem.
It killed me, and it killed my emotion.
Distant and detached.
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes.
Monday, June 3, 2013
10:59 PM
Still thinking about it from time to time. Just, like, it crosses my mind. I don't know. Is it upsetting? Well it sure is, on a separate matter altogether, waiting for something to happen and in the end I just don't care whether it does or not. Wondering if I'm making all the same mistakes again. Feeling like I should sit back and observe people like I did before rather than have people observe me.
24 hours ago I loved.
12 hours ago I waited.
Now I give up. Some things are those "in the moment" kind of things. And in this moment, there's nothing so forget it.
Where are you I need to speak to you and get my mind off some things. Need to find the effort to speak to people because maybe, I hate it when things come too easily. And then again, it's too difficult I give up.
Yes I must have been missing long convos. And convos from long ago. What am I doing trying to re-enact.
"I don't love you like I did yesterday." Too much meaning.
