I think I'm doing a great job at juggling my commitments for now anyway but it's too soon to say haha only two weeks of school but I'm very very tired and I cannot cope but I cannot say that because there's no way and nowhere else to go from here.

Idk being 18 makes me so angsty or something. And the thing about trusting people is really getting out of hand sigh. My mental state is getting out of hand too sigh. Yeah most of the stuff I wanted to say I've already said on my spam acc I guess but wanted to blog about stuff but half the time I forgot what. School sucks seeing faces seeing people not seeing you I miss you. Still looking out for you wherever I go.

Yknow during GP one day we were talking about analysing author's stand and arguments blah blah and something which was said caught my attention: "...some uni course we were analysing Bible texts and it really shook my faith because the Old Testament had a different tone to it like if you do this you die!!! kinda thing but the New Testament is like I love you super loving kinda way which makes you think why did God change his mind or something?" Hahaha and I was like YES YES YES SEEEE. God is great. I hope people see the truth.

Wanted to blog ytd but too tired haha actually really tired today too but since I can't really sleep so yeah. My birthday kinda sucked, but only because I was expecting something. Idk what but yeah. Never again am I going to expect things anymore. Okay not really expect but kinda wish for but I expected it not to happen so yeah kinda disappointing but it's okay my life is disappointing. Really quite sad. O level results on my birthday ha ha yeah even though it doesn't concern me but yeah. I'm not even worth telling sigh. Kinda wanna turn back time really really badly. And change things? Kinda really wish that things worked out. But oh well nothing I can do if what we had was real how could you be fine cause I'm not fine at all. And I'm just putting this all on myself like making myself feel worse and everything sigh.

Which made me make my today bad too. Lol had PE height and weight and I'm disgustingly heavy but surprisingly I can afford to gain another 3kg to become acceptable? Hahaha but I feel so fat my thigh gap is disappearing lol help. Freaking unfit idek how I'm gonna pass napfa this year :(

Which kinda reminds me all over again what it means to be in a sports cca hahaha. Oh well. But training today was meh mediocre. Idk. Why does it seem like I'm the only one trying to the point that I give up trying already. Is it fair for me to constantly train while others don't? Yes I guess it is I guess I cannot expect much from people who have no idea what it's like to be in Div2 league. But oh well. No drive to win top 4? I thought it was impossible in league but we're halfway there and topping the table and I'm proud. I'm proud to have improved. From crying after PJ guys friendly because I was so bad to saving penalties. Yeah idk I put so much heart and soul into this is it even worth my sacrifice. My knees and toes hurt like shit again today idek how long I can continue doing this but sheesh why do I try so hard to keep things together. Yeah I should just give up. Adding to the fact that I don't even feel part of the team. Adding to the fact that coach may really be Jing Jie's Div3 coach idek I can't rmb but similarities hmm it hurts.

I'm losing passion for all the things I love. I don't even love anything anymore. I am nobody - nobody with no passion, no hobby, no identity.

Never been so applicable but tgif omg really the most tiring week of school and it's just the first it felt like a TERM. Fell asleep during lesson starting from the first day of school sigh when did all this start how did this happen I used to be so attentive and understanding everything sigh. I want to do well. (And shoutout to bernice haha I know you can do it don't give up and don't procrastinate we're almost there!!!)

Really cannot stand being at home as usual la so annoying why do you have to keep criticising me and bringing me down wtf say jc so easy say goalie so easy say hIPster shirt ugly wtf is your problem if you have nothing nice to say then stfu bc I really do not need these kinda negativity in my life esp this year.

Yeah I really miss you sigh. All the bus rides home tgt sigh never really gonna find anyone quite like you waiting for me to end school waiting for me outside school. And I wish you never left me.

And then there are people who are the number one cause of bad memories sigh calling me rude??? Yeah the stupidest things I still remember. That still hurts though. Who are you to say that. And I am reminded of it every single time I treat someone that way and it hurts.

You can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain. Got a long list of ex-lovers they'll tell you I'm insane. Cause you know I love the players and you love the game.

Bleh 2015 already and school starts tmr sigh less than a year to A levels how time flies I still rmb the times in JH1 when A levels was not a worry like it was so far away life was so much less stressful. Yes I am stressed and no I am not coping. People keep asking me how I can cope but the truth is I can't haha I'm just surviving bc no choice. And I wanna live not just survive.

Not to mention that my timetable sucks like even without pw I still end kinda late??? #hybridcombipains not to mention not having friends in the same class sigh. Not to mention that school hasn't even started and I'm beyond tired like training then match then ogl camp then match and match again and whatever free time spent on doing research report yup pretty much sums up my last 10 days of holiday. Oh and my first week of school is already packed like crazy bc council ha ha yeah I don't really enjoy going home but I'm not even trying to stay out anymore it just happens.

I think kok bestie is right about guys throwing themselves at me omg even I'm sick of it okay. Shall not even start on the ratio of male to female of my friends. Sigh as much as I say I should stop dating floorballers I still think floorball guys are attractive, no??? Like ytd I saw someone I assume from some div2 men's team (I shall not say) huehue like omg EC!!!

Double win this weekend with back to back games omg idek how I survive this really my brain hurts this is too much for my mind to handle my mental v v weak one.