So shame on me now.

Idk sometimes i think too much and plan too much it scares me but i cant help it like i keep on running through my plans in my head for the day, the next day and so on again and again because im scared i might forget or something.

My mum says im just like her because people expect a lot from us, knowing what we're capable of. I beg to differ. We dont always have to live up to expectations. Why the unecessary stress. Why should i care about other people who actually dont care about me. -insert expletives here- expectations.

Ah i wanna learn driving asap i dont see the problem registering now so i can take my btt like on my birthday then get my pdl then ftt then boom driving!!! Stumbled upon a blog by a law student and he talked about driving haha he got it in 3 months!!! And oh. I really respect law students hahah. Dont really wanna be one though, too scary.

UGH I FEEL SO MESSED UP bc i planned my LIFE i wanna get married at 23 which means if i were to date at 19 it means i'll date for 4 years before getting married and that sounds pretty screwed up aah why do i even worry about such things now.

Feeling so ashamed but i kinda love it to be here than anywhere else. And it's really pretty cool i mean like whoa breaking statues except the biggest one and then saying it was the biggest statue which broke the smaller ones like HAHA WHERES YOUR GOD NOW.

"If there were, in the heavens and the earth, other gods besides Allah, there would have been ruin in both! But glory to Allah, the Lord of the Throne: (High is He) above what they attribute to Him!"

If what we had was real how could you be fine? Cause I'm not fine at all.

Gah whatever I don't start to wonder anymore. Bc need to get my life together. Feeling quite horrible bc didn't do any work today (don't count research although it was crazy tiring and I really tried but not productive so). SIM friendly today gah even more shag I can't do this anymore ugh conceeded two dumb goals dumb me.

Anyways there was this auntie in the bus this morning complaining about how the bus driver never speeds to sort of beat the light bc it was always yellow and he always stopped ugh so annoying la. I mean the auntie and the bus driver haha. Bc well AT LEAST THE BUS DRIVER CARES ABOUT OUR SAFETY YKNOW IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA COMPLAIN WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE LOL I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN. So yeah deal with it. At least be grateful we have excellent public transport and don't have to wait hours just for one bus goddammit.

Anyways created a private insta haha for people who I'm actually quite/very close to so be honoured if it's you!!! Jk I suck as a friend I'm sorry.

Anyways I kinda hate it when my parents give me the I told you so talk like UGH I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF NEGATIVITY IN MY LIFE I HAD ENOUGH AND YOU STILL WONDER WHY I TALK TO PEOPLE AND NOT PARENTS UGH. But yes thank you to those who actually asked if I was okay like genuinely :')

Anyways I realised I'm like really uh quiet lol in real life anyway like ugh don't start a convo with me please please ignore and pretend you didn't see me kinda thing but hmm I blog too much like long winded stuff too (so my private insta is a SUMMARISED version of some stuff haha practising GP skills!!) so I think is this a common thing with introverts hmm I don't talk that much to people but I talk to myself a lot.

ANYWAY idek why I'm blogging so late at night I have plansss all day everyday sigh so busy but busy is good and overworking is excellent hopefully.

It's been two weeks.

Yay got my notes back I would have died if I didn't bc it's not okay to lose 5 years of notes over something that isn't even worth it. I feel bad bc I'm not taking my things back but it hurts even more sigh does it hurt you? I'll be here for you and I mean it even now.

Sian today went to research late (bc I decided to sleep in) so didn't get a nice seat in IMRE so can't charge phone but sokay bc not that late of a day today~ and I bought western food for lunch!!! NUS food is damn good and cheap (maybe good bc cheap) but yeah can't believe it that my IMRE days will be over in one month's time and hopefully the next time I come here is as an FASS undergrad.

Just realised I have very bad social skills LOL team bbq was fun minus me being an introvert but whateverrr. Sigh people need to stop asking me if I'm okay it scares me how much it shows?? Like nj training and league training omg stahp I can't keep up with these fake smiles saying I'm okay I'm fine when everything inside of me is dying.

Gah I want my notes back I changed my mind idc come to my doorstep or mail it back to me UGH. Kok bestie says that I need to move on but it's not that easy. He also says it's not healthy to overwork myself but what can I do when it's the only thing I can do to take my mind off of you?

2 days of studying in macs and people watching well it was fun and productive but my workload still doesn't seem to go down. And next week is already back to research I don't have time sigh. Even if I sacrifice all my free time I still don't have time sigh. So, so tired I know that things would be a lot better with you but oh well this is the best I can afford for now.

Five years ago, this time, I didn't work so hard. I didn't do so badly. I don't need to even go back to PRPS to reflect. I can feel it. I can see it. And it sucks. My glory days are gone. G. O. N. E.

Ha ha page views went down by like 7 times. But yeah it's been a week now. I always thought something would change in you, something which would change your decision. But nah. Kok bestie says that my efforts aren't worth it and that I won't get a response. He's a guy he should know. And I believe him. And that's okay. But meep I thought at least I'd get my notes back ugh five years of chemistry notes gone.

Anyway the past week was so stressful sigh. Lost like 2kg I think? The only good thing. Besides getting my pens back. Which were so close to finishing ugh needa buy pen refills now. Need to eat more than one meal a day I think I'm dying sometimes I feel so physically weak but oh well.

Things are better now. Yes the pain is still there but it's not as fresh anymore, so like a wound, it's just a dull throbbing pain which I would very much like to drown it in panadol aka schoolwork. Time to get my life together I guess the other good thing is that I can study on my own in random macs and sbux outlets watching people for hours on end not having to engage in conversation, not having emotion.

Last post about this. Time to get my life together. Closure part 2 didn't happen but so what. The truth never set me free so I did it myself. 2014 has been a mad year. Did things I never thought I'd do, but I'm glad. Significant things:

Soon. Closure part 2 sigh. Maybe. Idk. Being a sentimental person sucks I want your things I want you. Sigh but rationally there's no point keeping things when it just isn't the same anymore. Research today what a pain I could be at home or I could be out with you gah. Yknow my stupid days where I channel my emotions into poems? Yeah, I could channel these into a whole book I'm not even kidding. Jing Jie said I should be a writer because I blog well or something idk. Maybe I should. But after As. When I can actually afford to think about this. My thoughts are killing me. Your promises will be the death of me.

Damn these late night thoughts. Blogged so much idek what's the point. What's the difference. Trying to be rational and trying to hold myself together but fail all the time.

Could have taken long walks on the beach with you. Could have laughed for you. Could have smiled at you. Please don't do this to me. Please don't break your promises. Please don't break my heart. Please don't break me.

How long did it take? For things to change. For things to flip 180° from yes we can do it together to no I can't? Why? Your words I hang on to - do they mean nothing at all?

Crying at sbux like the white girl I am ha ha just kidding. Sbux is the least crowded place so it's not so bad that people see I guess. And it has wifi to blog. And it's sbux so yeah. I'm not even hungry or thirsty though. I just want you. Trying not to cry. I cried enough last night. And I have limited tissue so yeah.

Reflecting on my actions. Didn't go as planned but nothing I plan goes according to plan so. I need closure. But this time, I did it on my own. But this time, there's nobody to hold me and tell me that things will be okay. But this time, I have nobody to hate but myself. I don't even know why I do these things for people who don't care. Again, I still don't get answers - which leaves me questioning myself for the rest of my life.

You can keep my chem and math notes. It might be useful someday, I don't know. I'll just rewrite them, and rewrite my life.

You forced me to do this. I hate it but you gave me no choice. What is yours is no longer mine. I am not angry. I will not cry. I will not feel anything at all. Please respect my decision like I respect yours. Goodbye.

Somewhere around 2.30am and I can't sleep. Since like an hour ago? I don't know. I don't know why I still bother trying. Trying not to give up. Trying not to give up when the odds are zero. Tomorrow I will wake up just to cry again. Tomorrow I will wake up wishing I never did, just to delay the inevitable.

There's really nothing to say this time. How I feel now isn't going to change tomorrow. It'll just get worse. And I wonder which is hurting more - my head or my heart. I'm slowly forgetting how to human. I'm slowly forgetting what it's like to be happy, to feel loved, because it hurts. It hurts even more than being alone and lonely. It's better to not know happiness than to lose it.

I am not angry. I am so, so sad. Everywhere I look I see your smiling face. I don't want to think anymore. I've lost it. Lost what? I don't know. Your love, my mind, both. I don't want to feel anymore. I know, be careful what you wish for, but it hurts and I've already lost it, it makes no difference.

I blame myself. Should have learnt my lesson. What's the point of keeping track of my life here when I never learn? What's the point of advice when I never listen?

I thought you were different. But boys will be boys. And I, unfortunately, will be me. Can't think rationally anymore but I know I haven't lost it all. God is still with me. People leave, but He never will. And that is why I never, ever will leave Him for anything or anyone else.

I know that someday things will be alright. But I want things to be alright - with you. "If you're not out of my league, then, are you mine?"

I am going mad haha oh wait I'm already mad boo hoo more memories :c nonono not this smiley emoticon whatever :c wanted to remember; never missed a second :c

I don't even want to be here. I hate this lifestyle. No internet connection unless I lean out of the balcony and it hardly works. Read The Maze Runner last night still thinking thinking of you it hurts. Eating and sleeping and watching random movies on tv I can't live like this.

Would things be different if I went for SIM 3 on 3? I miss you. I miss you a lot.

Going through so many scenarios in my head it hurts. My thoughts are everywhere - but they lead back to you. Every single second.

Damn I become so irrational at night I hate it. Blah I got through this before, I can do it again. And again and again. Just a few more nights of crying. Just a few more days of losing my double eyelids.

What happened to "till forever and back"? "I won't leave you if you don't leave me" shit? All the "I love you"s? "I am honoured to be yours"? "I don't want to count weeks or months, I want to count years"?

Nevermind, I don't really wanna know. I never did. Just the ultimatum is enough. Ha ha we met in the train, we parted the same way. If life was a movie then it wouldn't end like this.

Sometimes I wish you'd take me back ha ha. But it's okay everything happens for a reason. I pray my religion will move your heart like how I did. I will not cry. I respect your decision.

Fuck la I don't always swear ugh I hate swearing it's so uncultured ugh. I hate thoughts at night. I hate this pain. I hate how I'm so weak. I hate how I'm falling apart.

"I will not cry this time," I told myself as tears rolled down my face. What a sucker for love I am. The epitome of stupidity.

I want to say so many things, yet I want to say nothing. Making mistakes is fine, but making the same mistake a thousand times over isn't. Maybe this time I'll finally learn. Maybe things will be better. No point being textbook smart when my EQ is so freaking low. No point sticking around, when things won't work out. I knew that. I always did. I will not cry this time.

So there was this thing I read on Twitter a few days back: some Tumblr post that goes like this, in short. "I was eating chocolates and my dog wanted some too. I didn't give him any, because chocolate will make him very sick, little did he know. Then I realised, little did I know, the things I want in life may not be good for me, and maybe, when I don't achieve them, it's the world's way of saying, "Silly girl, if only she knew how bad those things are for her." I believe that.

"Surely, God gives His creations only the things they can handle." I will not cry. I am made for better things.

I am sorry, for being a bad Muslim. I will study hard and marry someone who will lead me to the correct path. Thank you God, for saving me. I pray that you'll save the ones that I love, too. Before it's too late.

I should be angry. All the broken promises, all the lies. But I was expecting it. I will not cry. I am disappointed. I wish I could change people. I wish I could save people.

Haha God has a nice way of doing things and I thank Him every day for not giving up on me, for remembering me, when no one else does. Haha just so happened that I was reading about *translated from Malay* : The small signs that the end of the world is coming. To be honest, it sounds so fantasy-like, it's hard to believe, but I do. The fear is real, if only the non-believers knew. Israel is now tearing down the Al-Aqsa' mosque in Palestine, to build Solomon's Temple. Because the mosque is built above a huge pile of books about black magic and dark practices. And the US is helping blah blah and the Knights' Templar is gonna wreck havoc to bring back their leader, and then we all die. Of course, the believers will be saved from seeing/experiencing the end of the world. Of course, Palestine is protected by God, so in the end, we will win the war. But I wonder, how long will it take to bring down the mosque and build the temple? The end is near. All the small signs have happened. I pray you will believe.

I will make it in this life and the next. I will get my Diploma in Islamic Studies and more. I learnt that if you can't spread the teachings of the Prophet by correcting the actions of others, you advise them. If you can't advise them, pray for them. I pray you will believe. I will not cry.

Omg wth I'm gonna be 18 in two month's time and I need to get rid of this shitty attitude ugh.

I think I always procrastinate blogging lol and end up with lotsa things to blog about but then I'll be too lazy and just cut short everything so meh.

Lol jk we're broken let's keep it that way. So today I saw someone's brother. So sian memories coming back. Idek why I decided to study at White Sands macs. But oh well it was a short, friendly conversation. I did not bring up that topic. It didn't even cross my mind to ask how he's doing. Because I don't careee ugh. 

TYPING THIS IN THE TRAIN!!! OMG OP IS OVER PW IS OVER!!! Goodluck to those who haven't finished!!! It feels so good I could cry tears of joy literally I'm not even kidding. And it's true, actually time flies when it's your session. And honestly, it's just 5 minutes of speech and 5 minutes of q&a so to put things into perspective, it's not thaaat bad.

So like all controversial things, the 'Hillcrest girl' issue is pretty widespread and has garnered lotsa hate mostly, I would say. But not really so much for me to say because, hey, I know what it feels like to be cyberbullied on ask.fm and it hurts. So yeah, I'm not actually gonna bash her and stuff. Gotta admit that her responses aren't that...uh...great I guess, for someone who claims to be highly educated (she's just a JH1 kid aka secondary 1 in NJ IP), or in her words, something along the lines of "I have a pretty high PSLE score and IQ level" oh my god who even says that kinda stuff I guess maybe the >2000 babies are weird like really. And firstly, YOU'LL REALISE WHEN YOU GROW UP NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT PSLE BUT INSTEAD YOUR ATTITUDE IS IMPORTANT and secondly lol who is she to talk about PSLE scores puhlease.

But yeah. I hope she learns, someday. Sigh sometimes I wish that I won't be rich because I don't want to end up like that. Being all high and mighty and proud just because of the place you live in??? Hillcrest = rich wow if I end up with children like Hillcrest girl I think I'd rather stay in Pasir Ris sigh what makes me even more sad is that Hillcrest girl is a Christian but actually I don't care because whatever religion you are I'm sure there are standards. Even freethinkers do. (On a random note I miss Jing Jie sigh.)

And removing those questions sure does not help because I swear at least 5 people from each level would have screenshotted something so yup. Not worth it. At least if you're right you should stand true to what you say, or I feel so anyway. Sigh my beliefs are going to be the end of me ugh I don't even delete MY ask.fm questions (after I reactivated anyway but that's not the point).

Sooo yeap. Think before you post stuff! Including blogging sigh being in SC makes me think of every consequence that may happen as a result of my rash actions. But this is a pretty neutral post because I guess Hillcrest girl deserves her own right to...well whatever she thinks? Yeah omg I want to take psychology because why do people think the way they think!!! How does social status and background and upbringing change or alter peoples' perceptions of things and why!!!

Just remember that things always change, you can't avoid change. And if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. (In response to Hillcrest being tainted by NJCians and all Hillcrest girl's childhood memories blah blah and also in response to talking bad about NJC and NJCians in general.) Yes I may have a strong dislike towards some things in school and yes I may have many regrets about NJC but DON'T ever speak badly about the College of the Nation.