I must be happy. For the sake of others. For the sake of myself.

Letting so many people down. Letting myself down.

Koi is deliciously expensive :/

Argh. Can't take it anymore. My head hurts. I'm leaving.

I UNDERSTAND. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I CAN'T FORGET YOU.

I don't get flattered. I get agitated.

I don't hurt people, do I? I care too much.

Its okay. I know the answers already. All the answers. To everything.

THIS TIME I'M GONNA GO BACK TO THE GIRL I WAS ON THE NIGHT YOU FOUND ME. BOLD SHOUTY CAPITALS.

This one's for you and me living all our dreams.

Don't mind the slight variation of the title lol.

Sigh I'm putting all this on myself. Slept at 3am. Didn't eat anything but cup noodles. Didn't wash my hair. I'm gonna fall sick at this rate. I look sickly.

Don't know how I'm going to face you.

Breaking down. I want to reach out and touch you. Feel you there. Reassurance.

You might have been my saving grace.

Might have been.

I wanted to tell you everything but its too late now isn't it. You could've helped me.

I won't say goodbye because I cling on to that measly hope that you'll come back. How foolish of me. Wishful thinking.

Because no matter how hard I try, I can never be half as good as whatever you want.

Its too late now. Relapse. And its worse than you think.

I'm broken, do you hear me?
I'm blinded, but you are everything I see.

Gah. I've lost my ability to think straight and rationally. So angry at everything.

Why? I can't change my past even if I wanted to. And believe me, I do. I do things I've never done before for you. I told the truth.

I'm not angry at God. But it kinda ends there. Grateful that I've been shown who people really are. So I won't get unnecessary hurt. So I won't waste unnecessary time.

I feel drained. Drained, like in italics. Drained, like how the word itself is seeping the energy and life out of me. I'm emotionless. I'm an empty vessel. Again.

I don't have the strength to resist or control you.

Broken and nothing can fix me.

Now that hurt. It hurts so bad I feel like laughing and going hysterical. I braced myself for this. Shouldn't be too bad. I hope.

Brace myself for the goodbye cause its all I've ever known of.

Urgh. Starting to think myself in third person now. Which means I'm angry/irritated. Bold shouty capitals.

I DON'T LIVE TO PLEASE YOU ANYWAY. *storms off*

Guess I got what I asked for. Worth it or not. Sigh. Apparently not. Nevermind. Takes time to get these things out of my head. The truth hurts. Whyyy. I wish I can just erase my past. Thought telling the truth would be better. Its who I am, or was, afterall. So much for honesty is the best policy. Ohwell at least its better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you aren't.

Its not fair. I was young and naive. You can't just take advantage of me like that. But you did so forget it. Hope you live with the guilt and hurt forever. You've taken enough from me.

I need to find someone who accepts me for who I am, and my past. This is the last time. No more taking advantage of me and playing with me. I'm sick of this.

Why does everyone want to be first in everything? Its not all that good you know.

They all leave. All of them. No one ever stays. Ever.

Its not over unless you let it break you.

Childish. But very well then. Two can play a game. Can't wait till ten years down the road or something. Urgh. So annoyed. So angry and frustrated I'm practically splurting expletives every other second in my head. Urgh. Stop this shit.

I realised that I love the wind on my face. Shall get a convertible.

You make me feel like I'm intoxicated <3

This will stop. Here and now. Stupid stupid stupid emotional attachment.

"I admire you." My inner conflicts are worsening.


- Christian Grey, Fifty Shades Darker

This is stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. I want to take O levels. And just because I'm in an IP school, I can't. And I can't even take IGCSE because its British and we learn different things. Well done, me. Great life planning. Why am I supposed to do with my life now. I need an O level cert badly. But even if I do take it, somehow, I'll only be able to offer Maths, A Maths, Bio, Chem and Physics. Since I'm taking Higher Malay anyway. But the only reason I can't take O level Sciences is because there's practical. So technically, I could sit for Math and A Math but what's the point. Why, government, why? Where's my right for education? Okay fine, my fault. Shouldn't have gone to a horrible school. Dealing with it. Kthxbai.

So actually, I type my posts at different times of the day. Unfortunately, internet at home is kinda scarce so I have no choice but to mass publish. Don't mind. :)

Sigh. Being given the cold shoulder. I really don't know what you expect.

Hey I just met you.
And this is crazy.
Here's my number.
Whatsapp me something.

Yes you just met me, in a sense. Yes this is crazy. I don't believe in love at first sight. Or second. Whatever. It takes time right?? Lol the last two lines are there cause, well, that's what happened. Point is, ERGHMAHGAWDDD I'M LIVING IN DENIAL. NONONO. YOU CAN'T LOVE ME. YOU JUST CAN'T. THIS IS ALL A DREAM. THIS IS ALL JUST SOME JUMBLED UP HORMONES OF YOURS AND MINE. HEEEELLLLPPPPPPP.

One more dayyy! Meh. And its driving me mad I miss you so bad. Okay not so extreme, I'm still sane but yeah. Just a camp. When can I see you again?

So I was looking through my phone pictures and look what I found :D Good old days :')

Hurhurhur what is wrong with me I keep sleeping :( and I'm almost always hungry D; first time eating chocolate in a week. There goes my teeth :'(

WTH. Can't believe I overshot my texts again this month. PLUS THAT 5 DAYS OF OBS WHICH MEANS MINIMAL TEXTING. PLUS ME WHATSAPPING AND IMESSAGING INSTEAD. Impossibruuu.

Not sure if I happen to cut my fringe when I'm sad or I'm sad therefore I cut my fringe. But its been 5 weeks since I last cut my hair :/ Bad choice either way. Hello again, bangs T.T

This is why nobody wants me :'D joke.

Gah. Today is a very bad hair day lol. I think I study too much :( cause everytime I study I pin up my fringe so now it seems to be permanently damaged. Ohno. Even cutting won't make a difference :'( perhaps I should be a model student and pin up my fringe forever lol.

Sigh. I wish I was hardworking. :( I realised that I keep wishing that I was smart but uhm, that happens. Really not sure if God grants my wishes. I asked for a companion once, like a few weeks ago (remember?). Not sure if wish granted or not :/

I WANT A JEDSAW PUZZLE <3

Erghmahgawddd. I'm agitated. Gah. You totally knock me off my feet. As well as all the bio knowledge which were happily residing in my brain.

Helppp. What defines a relationship anyway? Where do you draw the line between one and anything less than that?

I can't omg. Why do you do this? Can't decide between happy or not. All the alarms in my head are going off. Threading dangerous waters here. Can't deny it but can't admit it either.

Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them. HURRY SIXTEEN COMEEE.

I should really scrap my reciprocating policy.

I start to say I think I love you but I make no sound.

Hurhurhur. Ignorance was bliss. So damn scared of being hurt again.

She said if he's looking for love, she don't wanna be found.

Hey Stephen why are people always leaving? I think that you and I should stay the same. :)

So angry at myself I keep napping D; and to punish myself I stay up till late. And the vicious cycle continues. Sigh. Who cares, holidays is the time to screw my body clock.

Third week of holidays already :'(

This part I hated.
Young love, so complicated.

Feeling so raw and empty. Sigh. Good thing today or else I'd never have gotten it out. I don't have guts, I said it because it was the right thing to do. And if I don't, things would turn bad. I'm just so selfish. If I had the guts I would have done this three days ago.

And nothing ever goes as planned. Though I rehearsed like a thousand times in my head. Ohwell.

My head hurts. My mouth still tastes like the dentist. You should be honoured if someone likes you? Man, I feel like shit.

I don't want any of this yet I do. I don't want to be so pessimistic yet worst case scenarios are important. Its like the truth just slapped me in the face.

I know me and my heart got crazy issues.

Sometimes I wish I were ugly and stupid for a day and see how many people actually like me.

Ahhaha I really don't know why that song is stuck in my head for the whole day._.

Haha I went to the dentist today! At NYGH :P I was hoping for a male dentist though, cause I had bad experiences with female ones in primary school :/ but surprisingly the female one here was really nice! :D I got a stupid filling in my mouth though and it keeps falling off and it tastes like sand._. The dental drill isn't as scary as it sounds like :D I think it only hurts if you have sensitive teeth or sth O: but yay haha I'm not afraid of dentists anymore! :'D I think I got the phobia in primary school when I went to extract my first two teeth. Horrible. I just let my teeth drop now^^

Everything went better than expected :D oh not to mention I embarrassed myself by choking on the water._. But seriously, the thing which was supposed to suck everything out of your mouth kept sticking to my tongue so it wasn't really doing its job><

Shooting went better than expected too :D though I got a manual lane. Though my fingers are probably gonna get swollen :/ learnt the importance of triggering today! :)

Kay I shall pull another all nighter tonight :') and resist the temptation of coffee/food cause I don't want to dirty my teeth :( :(

I've been keeping busy all the time just to try to get you off my mind.

Haha I really cannot handle this all by myself. Today is a lonely day :( gah I hate camps T.T maybe cause I never had a really good experience (except maybe P5 camp LOL.) sigh. Its either go to camp and not have fun cause you miss someone or you stay at home and miss someone cause the person's at camp. I can't win D;

But its quite okay since I'm talking to someone I've known for years^^ it makes my life less crazy. Ahhaha and I miss those times meh. See? Nothing to worry. The damage is done.

Can't sleep so I'm typing this at 1.30am and posting it the next day><

I would have spammed tweets but people would think I'm crazy O: so I'll just spam post instead.

Haha can't decide between happy or relieved. Both I think. Though I find that the situation I'm in right now is rather funny xP aiya whatever la relationships are difficult stuff which a teenager should not be thinking of :'D

Silly me. As much as I'm observant and good at predicting things, I don't know what to do now :/ I hope some very important people who read my blog occasionally have figured out what I'm talking about because I can't say this face to face, like, "Hey you know that blah blah happened so blah blah blah. Hope you don't mind!" That is just weird><

But still. Omg. I'm screwed :( Lesson learnt. But howww. I don't wanna mess this thing up :((( maybe, just maybe, things won't go wrong. Idk. I admire people who actually have dreams. Goals in life. A future. Nothing ever goes wrong with them. Omg okay I should stop I sound crazyyy.

Hope I'm on the right track :/ so far I'm doing things I've never done before. Which, to most, would be surprising. But really. I'm new to this.

Quote of the day: "Mother knows best."

But I'm catching feelings.

Gah okay I really need to studyyy omg why am I lagging behind I am so anguhree! Congrats to me for pulling up an all nighter last night now I'm dying zzz.

Lol actually I fell asleep last night on the table from 3.50am to 4.20am and drooled on my chem homework but you don't need to know that right? :'D

Haha I've never really met someone quite like you :) aah. Finally someone who cares about the future.

Omg I'm actually happy ahhahah. Must contain my emotions._. Sorry to break the celebratory mood but I kinda guessed it already oops. Idk, some things happen so often its not hard to guess anymore :/

Uhm. Not sure if all this is a good thing though. Suddenly everything is right again. Everything, I mean, everything O.o too good to be true. Ahhahaa I'm doubting everything :/

Hungry in the middle of the night and wearing a jacket although everyone says its not cold :/

Help I wanna cut my hair it sucksss but if I cut I'll have lesser hair than I already do._.

#IHateItWhen people judge you based on how you look.

Compliments are sincere, not for the sake of making someone fall for you.

Of all people, can't be you. I am so unlucky.

Lulz. Don't worry, everyone is self conscious at one point or another. Seriously. You're just wasting your time and effort on hating.

Life's too good to be true><

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to flame anyone etc etc.

Lol stupidest thing I've seen this year. I mean like seriously?? No offence but I'd rather people tell me that I'm pretty, rather than my clothes-.- as narcissistic as that sounds. Puhlease. Clothes are man made. Your appearance is God made. Obviously your appearance is more perfect right? Obviously your appearance deserves more praise than the clothes you wear. My face may not be my choice, but its perfect to me.
Sorry but that's my take.

You might just be my motivation :X first time going religious class in a happy mood, like, I-don't-mind-I-actually-like-this >< its good I guess :) learnt so many things today! :D AND I GOT FULL MARKS FOR MY AQIDAH PAPER HEHEHE I'M A SMART GIRL :3

Apparently if you fast you'll be able to "contain your feelings". Aah good advice.

Yknow, sometimes I really don't know what to think when my parents say "I hope there's nothing between you and -insert name here-." It makes me guilty and sad. Its like I'm not sure if they're worried for me or for whoever else. Sigh. No more lies. Somehow I think this time will be worth it. Although it will probably lead to losing you which would make me very very sad.

Edit: Just realised this post ended off quite depressingly :/ on a brighter note, any Twitter apps to recommend? :D I tried Echofon, UberSocial, Twitterific and TweetCaster already :( Echofon is fast, UberSocial looks nice but the normal Twitter app has a nice 'discover' section><

Went to find my all time favourite songs haha :) which are not so popular :D and I realised they're all those I've-got-a-crush songs omg :// Young Love, Say You Like Me, On My Mind, Kiss Me Slowly. Erghmahgawddd.

Gah. I failed myself. Twice. Promised not to post anymore selcas/ootds because they're dumb. Promised not to get involved with people because caring hurts.

I'm just suggesting you and I might just be the best thing.

Cause no one wins
When love breaks down
We both die.

-Previous content moved to second blog-

They say before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for.

Gah. Worst feeling ever. I'm doubting every word you say.

Everything could be so perfect.

Of all the people I trusted, you were the quickest to judge. I don't know what to think now. It breaks my heart I don't even know why. And that was only 1/5 of my life.

Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known.

Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.

-BLOG UNDER RENOVATION-

Yayy move on^^ close enough I guess.

Ok. Said and done. I have nothing to do with anyone. Any names, incidents or places which are the same to real life ones are purely coincidental. Copyright law: For recreational purposes only. If there's anything you take away from reading my blog, its that I'm a messed up person hoping to find someone whom I can actually trust but always fails terribly. That is all. I don't want to get into a fight with someone I don't know. I don't want to hate someone I never met. (Which I don't, of course^^)

Why do you compliment me? Its cool but still. *shivers*

-hiatus-

PS. TAKE ME HOME - ONE DIRECTION ON 913FM THE WHOLE ALBUM!!! :D

And let me kiss you inside out~

Honestly? I think you're all good people. Really :)

Unlike some people whom I know who are nothing but backstabbers >.>

If you believe everything I say, believe this please.

Random thought: My blog has too many viewership I don't understand why would anyone want to read my stupid opinions and experiences which only make people angry. I'm really sorry :( for happier, less updated posts, visit my second blog :)

Random ad: Hey guys wanna win free stuff? Go to this website www.pitchdarkx.homepagepays.com zzz I hate advertising><

Something about me eh? I hate how I can motivate people and change their lives but I can't do the same for myself.

Hehee! THIS BLOG POST IS DEDICATED TO THE FRAY LIVE IN SINGAPORE EXCLUSIVE CONCERT 07/11/12 \m/ ahahah I don't always use that emoticon, but when I do, I'm reeeaaallyyyy excited and happy! :D

I feel kinda guilty though. Cause so many people actually want the tickets I think>< and I'm not even such a big fan and yes the concert was good, even though I only know half the songs played :/

You Found Me
Never Say Never
How To Save A Life
Heartbeat

Of which, I only listened to heartbeat the day before :/ AND A SONG WHICH SEEMED QUITE NICE TO ME: LOOK AFTER YOU :D old but gold^^

Regret not bringing a camera :( regret not taking pics>< regret being such an embarrassing piece of blob T.T ITS TIMES LIKE THESE WHEN I REALLY WANT A POLAROID >:(

Whatevs. Everything went better than expected -insert meme here- :D of course, I didn't have time to do math>< but who cares xP

And somehow I got caught up in between.
Between my pride and my promise.
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way.
The things I wanna say to you get lost before they come.
The only thing that's worse than one is none.

Grah. I can't decide between angry or upset or frustrated. Left shooting earlier than planned because I couldn't stop crying. And I don't mean to it just comes zzz.

Sigh. Sometimes I just don't understand. Telling lies gets you scolding and sins and all. Telling the truth gets you nowhere. This is what I get? Boy that sure doesn't deter me. I will be a better parent next time.

If this argument was judged debate style, I would have won. Countered opp's points and prop's still stands. Ohwell who says life is fair.

Seriously if you still think I'm the same as before then I really don't know what to say. I'm not so dense and senseless not to know better. And a fallacious argument. Just because some occurrences result in a certain conclusion, doesn't mean all occurrences including future occurrences would end the same way. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of falling in love. I'm not even trying to make people fall for me so please.

Not everyone before was bad. Not everyone before was good either. I could list the bad stuff down but I'd rather not because it makes me sick and uncomfortable. Even the thought of it. I guess that's what you call "memories".

Point is. I want to start over. Everything. Minus that. After all my mistakes and I learn nothing? Well guess what. I learnt that lying gets you nowhere, or somewhere, with guilt and sins. Telling the truth gets you nowhere, but you feel good. Therefore, I shall tell the truth.

Gotta leave this life and all the foolish pain.

I'm paying for my sins
And its gonna rain for years and years.

Song of the day: Something More - Secondhand Serenade :) ahahha go see my second blog for ytd's song of the day xP

I'm quite happy for 6A'09 reunion :) I always am :D hahah I rather this than any of my NJ class reunions, if any, truthfully.

Idk, it feels like we've matured during the years we were out of contact. Or minimal contact? And all those immature arguments in primary school are just lessons learnt now. No more grudges. No more cliques. Its like fitting in is natural.
I miss that.

Sometimes I wish we were all still in the same class. Whatever school it may be. Sigh. Maybe that's why I'm dying to go VJ. At least I have a chance of seeing familiar faces again.
I miss that.

And I'm scared that after next year, nobody would care anymore cause all the holidays would be spent with their secondary school reunion. And that means we IP kids have nowhere to go. Luckily there's still some IP kids in 6A'09 :) minimal but ohwell. I don't know.
I miss my past so much.

But its time to face the truth
I will never be with you.

You talk just a little bit softer.
Things take just a little bit longer.

I want #truthbetold :((( but then again, I realised that I spent alot of money on albums already :/ bought Coast To Coast (EP) - Cody Simpson recently so I told myself I wouldn't buy Paradise or Truth Be Told (Part 1) yettt T.T I heard its good though :3 still need to buy birthday presents. And no, I'm not broke ^^

However, stupid shooting wants $30 for funds. Wts I can buy BOTH Paradise AND Truth Be Told-.- and not only that, ask for money then still give me Below Expectations. It looks super ugly on my report okay. Uglier than it already is. Grr. I'm seriously gonna quit. That's it. Two years in a row. Pay so much. Don't even get to go for a single competition. Stupid 'family'.

I don't get people. (Hahah I feel like Leo in Heroes of Olympus XD) 'Organic stuff'. But seriously. Tell me to stay/not to go yet don't make an effort to at least make me want to stay. Eg. Shooting. So I'm a good shooter and I have 'natural talent'. I make an effort to come even though its not 80% attendance its at least 50% which would earn me at least a Meeting Expectations what. Or are you telling me your expectations of me are so high haha thanks. So yeah. Obviously that doesn't make me want to stay. Go in fact. Pfft. Thought something better would happen with new excos. Guess I'm wrong. All excos are the same good for nothing people who only care about popular people. Like Hera, goddess of marriage. Perfect families.

Sorry for so many Percy Jackson references. Read more in/at my second blog :)

Ohh. Right. I forgot. Adding on to my previous post: No, I am not thaaat influenced by peer pressure omg. Don't take the things that I do as an impersonation of someone else. Even though she's (or he's) alot like me, we're not the same. And don't even have the same thoughts in mind so drop it.

But in the end it doesn't matter.