I am a stupid wreck of emotional mess i dont even know anymore :-) half a day has passed and im still doing no shit thinking and overthinking and running scenarios in my mind for god knows what reason. They make me feel terrible. I feel terrible. What am i doing.

Just gonna console myself with the fact that people will stay if they really mean it :-) and if they leave then thats okay they never really wanted to stay in the first place not like its worth staying in my life hahaha.

Its funny because one month one day ago i changed. I mean there are many junctures in life that ive seriously considered cutting ties but that day was legit really and then my emotions messed up and i ended up the exact opposite of where and what i wanted but by then it was too late it didnt matter what i felt anymore. And it certainly doesnt now either god i feel so stupid i am.

// oh my god girl youve screwed up big time this time round seriously have you ever found anyone with the slightest bit of patience and tolerance for you? no. not even your own family can stand your shit and now youre pushing away that one person who actually has even after major shit and screw ups and me just being immature wow good job. //

The kind of things that i know are how to tell if someone likes you. Like the talking everyday kinda thing even if theres nothing to talk about, the wasting time with me kinda thing, the liking every instagram post, the stalking my blog because hey i dont even talk to anyone everyday or go out and do nothing for like one third of the day, the only people who are my loyal likers on instagram are my primary school classmate and my tutor - both of whom ??? zero chances of anything happening bc awkward - and well nobody even reads my blog anymore bc blogs are so outdated and i MIA-ed for so long hahah and people only read my blog when things crop up which again nobody was there for me and i really genuinely felt like dying but thank you even though you dont know it. And yeah lol seeing me get attached to 728395735 other guys jk but still. God you really screwed up this time.

But the kind of things that i dont know are like friendship and trust bc no, its just not possible how people can genuinely be so nice for no reason, especially so when im not.

Ahh so it is with a very heavy heart that i do this the pain is much like cutting its just so slow and im just staring like what have i done.

Today is kinda my last free day until the end of As i think, and im wasting it away lying in bed trying to get my shit together sigh my head hurts i guess i cant gym my way out of all these thoughts today bc really really might pass out sigh study study mug my way out then.

But nooo i went to read a book lol. Ebook la bc i obviously dont go out to borrow or buy books and i didnt really know what to read so ya. Some random book turned out to be half my life story ha ha ha running away bc im a screwed up shit and i really need to get my shit together but unlike fiction, nobody comes for me ha ha zzz anyways the book i read was Tame Me by J. Kenner if yall interested hahaha. Ya the fifty shades kinda book bc i really dont know what im doing with my life now my emotions are a mess i need that sort of happy ending to relate to sigh. And to remind myself that people like me who keep running away will someday find someone who will run after me hahaha aww someday i hope.

Fun things to do: google image search "just friends tumblr"

I like him, I think.
More than that, I could love him.

Someday. Someday I will find the man
who will be waiting for me at the end of that aisle with love in his eyes.

Probably a very stupid decision but hey sooner or later i guess sooner is better god i didnt think it would hurt this much but thats alright things will get better someday just that todays not the day haha oh well.

Idk la life is so confusing people are so confusing (again). I will regret my actions and today and every other day is probably the day but aiya nothing i can do but move on like i always do sooner or later i guess later.

But ya very stupid la what am i doing with my life it hurts. It hurts my wrists i think thats why people cut because it really makes them feel better god i really dont understand why is it that my mum says that i have some friends who are really true friends but honestly i havent found them.

What are friends anyway i never really wrapped my mind around that elusive concept of friendship which seems to be absent from my life i guess i dont need it anyway. Who needs people who will end up leaving you for other people anyway. People who will always regard someone else's company as better than yours anyway. It doesnt matter.

Hands are shaking cold my head still hurts my heart still hurts i need to breathe really sigh i need to stop pushing people away really this isnt healthy. But hey who said i was anyway. I feel so sick. So sick of myself god i hate this i want to quit life why do people leave so easily im begging and screaming internally please dont i feel so lonely all i ask for is reassurance and a hand to hold.

And someone to call mine.

And to be someone's.

God my life is so lonely.

Wah sian deja vu again i really really really wanna cry now its not fair why do these things always happen to me is it because i ask too much is it because i think too much i dont understand. Sian deja vu again train station again i didnt look back again i regret again i cry again.

// hey hey dont worry you knew that in the end things will turn out this way again right dont be sad //

Idk maybe for once i thought things would be different sigh. Hahaha what a loser i am i really really shouldnt believe anyone now i really really shouldnt believe anything call me a pessimist but the world hurts being ignorant and naive hurts my head is hurting my heart is hurting.

What changed? I changed. Same answer different people. I should stop asking this kind of closure isnt worth it they are all the same just hit me the hardest the pain is no different anymore.

Why do you pay for things? Because someday i wont be able to do it anymore. I used to believe that doing good to others would mean that others would do good to you. It is afterall better to give than to receive. I used to believe that but funny that didnt cross my mind today. But i guess today is that someday.

And I can't understand why my heart is so broken rejecting your love.

Ugh it hurts my brain thinking a lot but hey at least I'm making logical deductions!!! But whateverrr I'm sick and tired of people god people are so difficult but the only problem I have with not having people around is that it gets lonely. Really lonely, not just alone. But ya whatever la deal with it I guess people who really do care wouldn't make me feel like shit.

// visibly upset // question is, for the 3796421st time, forreal shall I really cut off ties I'm sick of asking myself this everytime I decide not to do it.

Just came back from MEP yesterday!!! Would've blogged about this earlier but I was soo tired so yeahhh. Tired bc somehow I always ended up waking 2 hours before the time I actually needed to wake up zzz so like on the second night I woke up at 4.30am not cool :(

But the whole programme was v v v cool :) haha honestly I felt so out of place bc prior to this I was only interested in a non-uniformed career with MINDEF/SAF aka getting DMS and becoming a DXO but oh my really my views changed so ya pretty onz about signing on actually!!! But the scholarship is crazy hard to get :( I hope I do get it though :( study hard!!!

The people there are cool too haha the intro really surprised me bc practically everyone who was selected for this programme had a plan. I love plans!!! I love people with plans!!! How attractive sigh. And plans again I mean like life plans hehe what you want to achieve in life by when and stuff :) and then I realised I was sitting with a bunch of elite people the cream of the crop and like wow these people I respect a lot. They will go far in life!!!

And then I am reminded by what someone told me about how to get a large social circle was to go for camps! Camps like this I guess? And large social circle means in the end how to get boyfriend la lol what a shallow conversation that was :x but sianz like in my previous post, my prospects are v bad!!! So wtv!!! I made friends though so good for me hope we don't drift :')

Actually I won't go into details and stuff bc scared what I say will be used against me HAHA but yeah it was a great experience, no regrets and in fact, I might just probably have found my calling :)

So I watched this TED talk sometime ago which was about the mathematics of love (it's under the popular section or something if you're interested HAHA) but anyways, it started off with this experiment/calculation thing done by a mathematician about his chances of finding love so it got me thinking about mine lol sooo let's see! Population of males who are Singaporean and muslim ranging from ages 15-19 is around 30,000 (based on 2010 statistics) so let's just assume that's about the same as 2015 statistics. And assuming I'll date people who are my age (18) or 19, that's 2/5 of 30,000 which is 12,000. And maybe I'll date slightly older guys too (20 or 21) so I'll multiply that by 2 so 24,000. So I'm looking for someone who is relatively pious so say that's 1 in 3 people, so it brings the value down to 8,000 guys. And I guess someone who is educated and has a forward-thinking mindset so that'll be 1 in 4 (bc sigh Malays and what we're known for I guess)? So 2,000 guys. Then being me, I would want someone who plays floorball hehehe but thinking again, that'll be crazy hard so I guess just someone who would gym with me maybe? :') say that's half so 1,000 guys. Then there's me liking the person for superficial materialistic things like height HAHA so guys who are significantly maybe taller than me probably 75% so that's 750 guys. Then whether I actually like the person or not hahaha let's say I only probably like a little bit 1 in 3 guys that I meet so that's 250 guys. But since there are more girls than guys, someone, like 1 in 5, whom I like will probably like me back lol so that's 50. And for both ways like his family gets along well with my family, vice versa, like idk maybe cultural and lifestyle differences plus the possibility that we'll actually get married and not break up so 20% chance hahaha so means I'M DOWN TO 10 GUYS HAHAHA what a great prospect.

Yayay CTs are overrr :-) sucks to fall sick before CTs really, what a waste of time and energy sigh. I could have done better I guess sigh. But yaa omg math was killer sigh there goes my chances for scholarship applications and early admittance etc etc sigh sigh.

So whatever I'll worry about that when school reopens :-( but for now yayay holidays I wanna studyyy and do wellll I really do. But boo first week of holidays are over :-(

SO ANYWAYS sian I got my hopes up. For what? For everything, really. I give up on socialising ermahgawd people are so difficult. I am so difficult. It's easier to break than to sustain anyways enough of my reciprocating!!! So disappointed but that's my own fault I won't do it again. What a mood killer I just ruined my mood for the whole holidays but that's okay who needs friends who needs to go out anyway. I shall just be a tortoise at home. They don't care anyway so why should I!!!

Aiya I miss having friends though why don't I have those kinda childhood 10-years-and-still-going-strong kinda friends? I don't even have a 5-years one come to think of it, even though same school for 6 years and all. Makes me think about how much do people really care like treasure my friendship or companionship or EXISTENCE??? Sometimes I put myself in others' shoes to feel how it's like to be friends with me and sigh. I don't know. I don't actually really get this whole concept of getting to know people and actually wanting to be their pillar of support for...ever? Bc everyone leaves in the end? Or backstab? How is anything worthwhile anyways.