Yknow I have never thought about suicide as much in my whole entire existence as I do this year and I guess that's just sad to think about how much I've been pushed to the corner and driven to the deep end to even form such thoughts in my mind and I swear if not for religion, you'd find my dead body at the ground floor of my flat by now or maybe with my rather sharp and pretty star-shaped "Overall Top PSLE Student" trophy halfway through my heart.

It is difficult to not cry when I feel this helpless of a disappointment but I cannot because I will end up having really swollen eyes the next day and sleeping through every single lesson because my eyes really hurt (like today). So please don't ask why.

Almost went on a hunger strike today hahaha not because I am immature but because I cannot stand being at the receiving end of such care and concern only to be beaten down by hurtful words at the end of the day when I even try to slightly open up. So no, I'm not going to try anymore. Even if it means losing myself. And that's okay I guess because it's not like anyone knew me anyway. Not my ambition, not my dreams, not my goals, not my plans for my future university and course and life for that matter. Go ahead and push me till I break; you're simply pushing me away and away I shall run and distance myself, because I don't see or feel any reason to stay anyway. But no, I didn't go on a hunger strike because I felt bad. I don't know. When I have my own children in the future, I'll make sure not to push them so hard.

I don't even know the reason I'm living anymore, what more the motivation to do well? I'm living because I'm not ready to die and go to hell, not that I don't want to die already. I don't know. I don't even know when my thinking became so morbid.

You know you set me off the rails and you'll be to blame if you ever hear I jumped in front of the train we're both fucked in the brain.

And I cannot help but think about how different things would be if I wasn't so insistent on pleasing others and working hard for others. How much less stress I'd be under now if I had been more...average. More average academically and maybe socially too. Average expectations to get an average job with an average pay and live an average life.

But who likes average, anyway? Ironic how average is also known as mean which is also known as expectation. (See my math isn't all that bad.) (But I still believe that the only thing that I do reasonably well in is English related subjects, if I do say so myself.) Expectations are mean. Haha, get it?

But what I don't get is meeting Heads of Departments and meeting teachers. Because what are they gonna say? Why didn't you do well? What are some areas of improvement? Is there any way we can help you? Because I'm stupid and incapable. Everything needs improvement. No there is no way.

I hate how I hate education because I used to love and enjoy it.

I try so hard I don't even want to anymore. I'm exhausted. The past six years of failure have really beaten me down so low. Maybe I am a failure. Succumbing to it now only proves the point.

I won't let it affect me I won't let it affect me I won't let it affect me OHMYGOD IT'S AFFECTING ME SO MUCH!!! :( sigh.

Gdi I will do well I will prove y'all wrong this time for sure and make y'all regret ever looking down on me. Never mind my shitty grades now, my end goal is A levels. Came to this school as the top student, I will leave as one too.

Mr Ang talked about motivation and here's mine, although it's pretty skewed but hey, whatever works right. So tired of people who look at me condescendingly (?) it's time to really finally do something about this bc I cannot live like this anymore. 6 years is way too long.

And you make me so mad I ask myself why I'm still here or where could I go.