Uhm. The new blogger interface still kinda overwhelms me lol. Kinda forgot real blogger on web since I always use the app xP Neways sigh. Like deja vu all over again for the countless number of times I can even expect and predict the next word. Doesn't it make sense that if I knew what problem I had, I wouldn't be still in a mess? But whatevs. Its more of adapting and changing to suit your environment. If that even makes sense. I'm just not in the mood for talking okay. To anyone. Its those times when I can even live without my phone, as impossible as it may seem. And yes, it seems like I don't have the guts so I'm sorry. Things should clear up soon anyway. Perhaps.

Lol so anyways. I listened to depressing Shattered again after a long time. Depressing because it relates so much unfortunately.

And I've lost who I am (obviously)
And I can't understand (obviously)
Why my heart is so broken (obviously)
Rejecting your love (Khairul)
Without love gone wrong (Justin)
Lifeless words carry on (Tristan)
All I know is all I know (don't know actually)
And the end's beginning (when mothers give birth to their masters)
Who I am from the start (long time ago)
Take me home to my heart (God)
To the place we belong (God)
And this war's not over (of course)
And his love will conquer all (God)

Moody. And "Fifty shades of fucked up" is obviously a quote please don't take it personally.

I have a plan.

So I typed a super long post ytd but my phone got confiscated so now its gone-.- and I'm too lazy to think of what I wrote so whatevs.

Lost and found eh. Totally. Look what I found. -le sad and weak smile-

Wth. Say trying is enough then say my results not good enough. Sorry la I'm not some ultrasmart China scholar.

Why do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous.
Calm me down.

Fifty shades of fucked up.

Pfft. I suppose your job is done eh. Dammit I should seriously stop falling for these stupid tricks.

Spent 4 hours cleaning my room. Lol I suck :( sigh. But I hate it. I hate it because I can never throw away stuff. Reminds me of too many memories. Took great effort. I still have my debate book since its half my LA journal too ohwell.

Yeah of course, I found lots of other stuff ;)

The best of us can find happiness in misery.

Hahah. I should be cleaning my roooom :X but meh. I have until midnight xP I was bored and decided to play TapTap3 and whoosh! Highscore xD

Anyways. Note to everyone: If you don't want presents from me, don't give me in the first place. I give because I receive. And its better to give than receive anyway. Besides, my debts are cleared now :)

#randomfact: The right side of my face is more flexible than my left._.

Marks checking is depressing as usual. Sigh. I really don't know where to go now :(

Transfer to VJ? Good research facilities and opportunities. But my sciences are kinda bad.

Stay in NJ? I have hope...

And you. You will be
Alone. Alone with all your secrets
And regrets
Don't lie.

Psh. Why do I still care zzz. Oh cool. Linkin Park reference: In Pieces. Lol tell me again why do I have one less album in my collection?

Sorry haven't been blogging lately cause I was just plain busy. Read Percy Jackson books 1-3 yesterday and today. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Fifty Shades of Grey during the weekend. There is really something wrong with me. I feel dazed like I'm in a trance. Distraction working too well in the wrong stuff.

I feel so jittery today my nerves are weird. I keep expecting to see things but I don't. I want to sleep but I don't want to close my eyes.

Tell me I'm a screwed up mess.

Meh. I don't get it. I'm upset and confused. I thought life was okay. I can handle all this shit. But people tell me I'm not getting better. I just don't get it. I'm happy and contented. I do my best. What more do I want?

You forget all the plans that you made with me but baby I didn't.

But that's okay.

Now the tables have turned. I'm fighting for your attention.

But that's okay.

Texted too much last month cause I cared for you. Cared too much perhaps. And got a $80 cut out of my allowance.

But that's okay.

Truthfully, its not. I love you too much to leave, but it hurts too much to stay. But since you already have someone caring for you then I'm not needed already. So I shall carry myself proud and tall and walk away without looking back.

Let's blame it on September cause it hurts to remember.

Everything bad happens in September. I'm positive about it.

Sigh. I hate this. I want to give you everything I have. But its not like you want or need it like you used to. Or pretended to. I don't know. Do I want to know?

This time I'm gonna go back to the girl I was on the night you found me.

I'm stupid for believing you actually cared. And I regret enjoying it.

Sighsighsigh. I feel so far away not even close to being a friend or acquaintance. Strangers perhaps. Like all relationship cycles.

Give me a chance to love you
I'll tell you the only reason why
Cause you are on my mind.

50 Shades of Grey doesn't make a good distraction.

Oh right. Writer's attitude and tone? Nonchalant and non committal.

Gah. Thanks alot. You and your stupid words which now mean nothing? I wasted so much time and effort and care AND TEXT MESSAGES OMG CAN I JUST DIE NOW.

I hate it. I always say how I don't need you but its always gonna come right back to this, please, don't leave me.

HEY GUYS I'M BACK FROM OBS :3 its was quite okay uh and fun but meh once in a lifetime is enough for me cause I hate camps anyway :'D here's a short summary plus commentary! XD

Day 1: I didn't surrender my phone so I texted at night :P kayaking had capsize drill I did with Ariel and Victoria it was easy XD our group is called Dhanabalan and it sucks!! Nah actually I'm quite okay with it^^ no offence but besides the scholars, I'm fine :) not being racist or anything but i just can't stand their attitude. I'm happy to say that so many others agree :D cooked dinner yay I'm so smart to cook rice! Slept in sweaty tent.

Day 2: Did abseiling which was super fun! Though I'm scared of heights XD meh I know that if I don't look down I'm okay so I really didn't look down at all._. Lost a harness hopefully we don't have to pay $100+ -.- trekked to Camp 2 which had toilets with half a shower curtain>< stupid scholar who was so stuck up and wanted to cook rice we ended up eating uncooked rice. Puhlease. If you don't know how to do something, don't embarrass yourself and push the blame.

Day 3: Land expedition. Trekked all over here and there super tiring. Majority of my bites :( stupid games which stupid scholars were like "Look guys, we need to reflect on what we did wrong and how we can improve." LIKE SERIOUSLY. Its just throwing stones and catching. Whatever mistake is random error. You can't correct that. Ate instant noodles which I did not have any appetite cause I really can't stand instant noodles. Slept in a place without electricity and toilets :'(Ooh and. MY NIKE SHOES FAILED ME THANKS. Oh and. This blog title is as such because Apoorva was singing it while trekking like, "OOH OH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE!!" :D

Day 4: Sentry duty from 5-545am so boring lol everyone was awake already-.- peed on rocks in the morning cause I failed to keep my pee for two days and I didn't want to pee in the sea :( but sea expedition was FUNFUNFUN. We were supposed to reach Camp 1 at 4pm but we reached at 1pm instead through rain and shine!! Yay I'm hardly tanned :') stupid navigators who were scholars travelled in zigzag. Even Jinjie agrees. And I don't get why everyone thanks them. They didn't even navigate la! Most of the time was following the instructors boat-.- Dinner was a feast with Eng Soon. Dhanabalan cooked noodles again so I went to eat Joshua's rice instead :X which, in my opinion was waaay nicer. AND OMG I LOVE THIS ORANGE JUICE EFFERVESCENCE THING CALLED TANG IT MAKES ME HIGH AND I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO IS HIGH. Tangs (pun intended) Joshua and sorry for drinking practically half your bottle :/

Day 5: Boring reflections haha. Bought an orange Outward Bound Singapore shirt XD I wanted to buy the black and gold one but it was cotton then I wanted the black one (which in the end A LOT OF PEOPLE BOUGHT) then I wanted the black and blue one but I thought the orange was nicer but I don't know :(( orange also not a lot of people buy :3

Gahh and as I'm typing this in bus 5 on my way home, something wet in my bag is wetting my pants D;

Pictures cause I'm tired of typing XD

Hahah but I fail.

Okay whatever.

Ahahah anyway! Last night I went cycling from Pasir Ris to Yishun and back LOL I think I'm crazy. Getting muscle cramps :( but not bad eh 50km this is the best night cycling :3

Bye guys be back on Friday 4pm :') hope I don't die xD yeah OBS :'(

Sometimes people misread and misjudge my happiness and that's bad :/

Learning Payphone and Stereo Hearts on guitar cause I can. I can't rap though lol._.

Bleh help. I just realised that my fringe is really horrible T.T

Haven't packed for OBS! Where am I supposed to get a large haversack D;

EDIT: WOW GREAT I TOTALLY LOVE MY OBS GROUP YEAH. JUST RUINED MY NONEXISTENT ENTHUSIASM.

Sigh. "Cause he don't really care about the way you feel inside."

Lol so to save my dear fringe from looking like bangs I had to swipe it to the other side-.- and did some corrections by cutting here and there zzz.

I think I cut my hair 3-4 times a year._. Is that alot?

Meh. I know I'm supposed to be happy and all that ass week is over but ohwell. Screwed up so many subjects no hope for my future already :( totally regret sleeping yesterday. Could have done well.

Hahah how ironic. The mrt I'm in now is advertising for depression XD and its so cool it says "It's (hopeless and I'm good for) nothing." And the bracketed part was so called a "torn" part of the "paper". Ohman that's exactly how I feel. Gah. What if I relapse again :/

SO. To commemorate today's depressing end of YEA, I went for a haircut! Expected, it turned out horrible-.- ohwell. How many times must I tell myself to never trust hairdressers now my fringe is so shitty :'( and the hairdresser was like "Your hair is so dry you know." and "Do you comb your hair?" OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THAT THAT'S WHY I'M GOING FOR A HAIRCUT RIGHT?? And yes, I do comb my hair-.- it was just really messy cause I had to tie my hair to school + the wind messed it up. Zzz and I need conditionerrr. Urgh. Hmm I wonder why do I keep layering my hair when I already have so little of it?! D: Goodbye I shall continue being depressed lol.

Ahahah okay on the bright side today morning assembly was damn funny! Some SH1 random guy I think from the right side of the parade square started singing the College Anthem in a super out of tune voice super loudly and from the left side of the parade square another guy shouted "EH/AYE!" super loudly and everybody started laughing!!! XD omg priceless :') it would be quite sad if they got caught though :( cause all the teachers looked serious and stoned face :/ while everyone was trying not to laugh teehee!

Okay goodbye!

We had our time baby so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the call.

And no, urgh I know me and my heart got crazy issues but no. I will not fall for anyone.

EDIT: Haha! Jedward brightened my day^^ little promo: GO WATCH LUMINOUS MUSIC VIDEO OUT TODAYYY! :D

Sure signs that I'm screwed: Slept for 8hrs last night. Means that I wasted my revising time. And its MA304 omg. Oh and did you know, MA301 is supposed to have 9 topics and MA304 is supposed to have 11 topics?! Omg our cohort is so slow :/

LAST DAY YAYAYAY. 10am and it will all be over and I can go back to sleep :'D

Care (verb): to have an inclination, liking, fondness, or affection.

Lol what am I saying.

Care (verb): to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard.

Just walk away no use defending words that you will never say.

Yay Chemistry is like the easiest science paper-.- but I have so many careless mistakes ohno D: gah stupid me why do I forget so much :( LA compre was plain weird the questions were structured so differently! ._. AND THE PASSAGE WAS ABOUT PSY AND GANGNAM STYLE OMG.

Yay tmr is the last paper!! :D but its math :( ohwell. I think this sem I'm more prepared but its still gonna be bad :((

OBS IS COMINGGG I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD LAUGH OR CRY.

Yawn. Woke up today cause my cat was scratching my feet haha XD woke up at 4am I mean._. Ok bye I wanna sleep :)

Letting go cause I know we were only halfway there
Even though we were close I was holding on just long enough to know
I should be letting go.

Ok back to chem. Help why does it feel like ass week is already over?! Slacking too much. Literally. Gah.

Shit what is wrong with me. During the weekend I could eat two servings of every meal and now I can't even eat half of each. Though the food is nice :/

But what can I say, about something that blows me away, without it sounding like another cliche?

OMG BAD NEWS I'M HEAVIER THAN MY SISTER. OLDER SISTER. WHO IS FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN ME. ;_;

Ahahaha got scolded by lss for mugging IH during assembly. She was like "PUT YOUR NOTES DOWN!!" Zzz on Monday bio paper don't want say, today IH essay then scold-.- #logic

And I almost got caught by her D: scary luhh walk down between 05 and 06 then only catch 06 people grr. But ahahaha I tucked in my shirt and swiped my fringe yay I think I should cut my fringe like this more :')

Lol I thought IH was quite okay leh though I didn't prepare much D: MY HAND IS SO TIRED FROM WRITING!!! Ahahah and I had such good time management! :'D first qn: 45min. second qn: 43min. checking through: 2min.

Math was horrible as usual :( but hmm I felt more prepared than sem1 so I guess that's good>< boohoo I'm just not a physics/math person okay I can't see the link in numbers and formulas T.T every other subject is fine but noo not anything that involves calcutation._. Yes, this includes chemistry mol concept.

How to do math:
1. Write down question.
2. Cry.

Yes, that's what I did :'(

Yay got more exam foolscap today :3 two from IH and one from math! XD ahahah I love exam foolscap cos they make me feel motivated to write stuff on them._.

WALAO STEPHANIE STOP READING MY MESSAGES. Omg now the whole world knows >.>

You never gave a damn thing about me honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you.

Meh yeah I really don't know what's wrong with me today. Bought canteen food for $1.20 and couldn't finish. Bought 50¢ soya bean also couldn't finish. Though my stomach was making noises during IH :X and I gave it to Regine LOL can't waste food. Bad stomach day.

It unnerves me how everybody keeps talking about Amy Cheong and Eve Tan. Its scary to be in their position. But to some, they also speak the truth. Personally, I think that if you have ill thoughts, just keep it to yourself. You tell everyone also for what? Get flamed and lose your job in 24hrs LOL.

And, if you feel provoked, saying bad things won't do you any good either right? Lol ohwell peace in Singapore threatened again xP I'm glad there's Malay Special Rights teehee :D don't worry, imo Malays are nice and we forgive :') well most anyway._. I mean like, there are bound to be exceptions right? Haha for me, I'm just like "Ok. Do what you want, believe what you want. Someday you will get back what you give. And by then, it will be too late for you. To you your religion and to me mine."

I can't win. Lol. Things will never be the same no matter how hard I try now.

Ohwell.

Disclaimer:
Reasons why the previous post is untrue:
1. I don't know if "you're on the phone with your girlfriend" or if she's upset/"gets your humour"/"knows your story" or anything LOL.
2. I don't make you laugh LOL.
3. You don't belong with me TROLOLOL. Who am I kidding.

On the bright side, Jazzmen is so funny haha! XD (sorry stupid Blogger app won't put the pictures in order-.- its second, third, first :O)

HAPPY THINGS FIRST:
Today was physics paper! Ahahah wth it is like SOO MUCH HARDER THAN THE PRACTICE PAPER-.- ohwell. But thanks Chai for teaching me I ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO SO SOME QUESTIONS OMG!! :D but still, haha I'm just not a physics person okay :( Math is manageable but physics is just...horrible.

WHOOPS I AM SOSOSO SORRY TUNA HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! :D bio occupied my brain too much :( thanks for the gc :3 and be grateful you've been wished on my blog twice LOL that's more than anyone :P aah help I need to buy presents for so many people now and I haven't gotten my allowance! D;

Yay another post for you. I kinda lost the motivation of waving to people in school nowadays lol. (To other people in general whom this post is not directed to: I'm sorry just take it as I did wave :3) so yeah. Hahah I just avoid eye contact and walk away cause it hurts.

I told you everything. Opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright for once in my life. Lol not really once but yeah you get the point.

And uhh I wanted to tweet this but its too mean heh xP

You're on the phone with your girlfriend she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
Cause she doesn't get your humour like I do.

I'm in the rain on some typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
But she'll never know your story like I do.

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favourite songs and you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know its with me.

Hahah okay nevermind I should stop clinging on to the past.

Oops blogging again today T.T meh bio paper was easier than expected but obviously still difficult but to a smaller extent. GAHH SO MANY CARELESS MISTAKES :( lol anyway I think the school is very smart to put bio first. My brain was fried for malay._. Buttt everything went better than expected :D

Studying physics now boohoo I wanna sleep! Ahhahaa I can't believe that at the point when this was being written, I thought that the handwriting was legible and beautiful O:

#randomfact I get extremely embarrassed when guys see my messy schoolwork :(

Yeah, yeah you did.

Meh. I don't know what to think :( You used to be everything I thought about, I used to be everything you cared about. We used to talk about anything and everything.

Bring back to the time when you and me had just begun when I was still your number one.

We don't need friends, but its good to have them sometimes.

Ohwell things change but I'm okay. Can't be naive and think the whole world revolves around me.

Lost and insecure. Bye. I know you can see right through me.

Ahahhahaa okay sorry for the stupid previous post I shall make up for it by posting another post._. YEAH I KNOW I ASSUME TOO MUCH I'M SORRY :( Anw I'm in a surprisingly good mood now so meh I shall post xP

Anyways, updates which I forgot to say LOL.
1. Bought OCTMS aka Owl City - The Midsummer Station! :D and got freebie hehee. There goes my October allowance :( this month also needa buy lotsa pressies for people leh!
2. The Script's new album, #3, is good!!! But I won't spend my money on it >< ahahah that's just my opinion okay I may like it but I won't buy but it doesn't mean it sucks if I don't buy. Its goooooooood.
3. Been keeping healthy and climbing up stairs everyday! :D 11 storeys up = 22 flights of stairs :') though I'm pretty sure I'll get some joint pain dunnowhat when I grow older D: exams coming must be healthy~ lol just kidding let me tell you this. I'm only keeping up a strong front because I don't want to screw up my EOYs. After that, aka Friday aka weekend before OBS, imma break. Just a warning.

Boohoo I wanted to do IH but I have to do it in my parents' room which is so damn cold cause of the aircon so I guess I'll just do it tmr :( its getting late anw~

Sometimes its okay for your parents to be so open about things, sometimes its not, and sometimes its just awkward :/ like seriously. Questions asked today:
1. Do you have a boyfriend?
2. Why do you text so much?
3. Who do you text?
4. Anyone told you they liked you?
5. Anyone asked you to be their girlfriend?

HAHHAHAA. Sorry I thought it was really funny. Lol it was hard to answer with a straight face and NONCOMMITTAL (new word from LA vocab!) tone :( I didn't answer question 2 and 3 anw :P and in today's modern world, who has the guts to confess lol. Even if the feeling isn't there anymore, you don't tell someone that you used to like him/her right? I think. I don't know haha ok I don't like anyone anymore :3

No, that sounds stupid and childish. I won't look for love, I'll let love look for me. Aww. Goodnight I really won't post until Friday :P Hopefully.

Random picture of the day! Okay not really day but you get my point. To-do list: complete!

Yeah I know I said I wouldn't blog but ohwell. Short update: study days were fun Chai is a great teacher along with other random people whom I don't know but yeah it was funny XD

And obviously, I don't blog without having an intention right? So here it is.

Uh huh. When it comes to you there are no words. I guess its my fault againnn I always think of so many things to say but in the end nothing comes out or I'm just too scared so I end up ranting here instead hoping that no one sees or understands but I'm sure they do.

Baby what happened please tell me cause one second it was perfect now you're halfway out the door. Sigh. Stupid me. Never listen to people's advice and end up getting hurt again :(

You had me falling for you honey and it never would have gone away. You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade. I don't know. Is this explicit enough for you?

And this is why I never wanted to open up myself to you. I'm gonna give all my secrets away~

Omg I have never been so un-cryptic and explicit in a long long time eww I feel exposed things are gonna get worser from here on. I feel stupid for saying all this >.>

Why are my hands so cold? The night is warm.

So this must really be the end of the road.

Le Introverted Tortoise.

ps. Tortoises make weird noises.

pps. Point is, is it so hard to go back to how things were before? Cheesy as it may seem, I miss that. Whatever it is, choice is yours. This one's for you^^