Seventeen and invincible.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
4:11 PM
I'd like to think of that even though my life is crashing and my world is falling apart. I believed that when I said it during my birthday. Barely half a year ago. God doesn't give me things I cannot handle. But sometimes it just hard to believe.
To be honest, school is killing me. It's not even in full swing yet because H3 research has barely started and Council isn't official yet either. And I'm already falling sick (kinda).
To be honest, the only reason I'm living is because coffee + red bull + panadol keeps me alive. I'm not even alive in all my classes. I'm not even alive during breaks. Or after school. Or before school.
To be honest, I take each day as it comes. I no longer look forward. I can't remember what's left to look backward to. I can't even remember what happened yesterday, what more last week, last month, last year. All my memories are fading, my experiences fleeting. My mind is full of deadlines and expectations. That's all.
To be honest, I miss school. I miss the time when it used to be fun. When I actually enjoyed learning. When I did work not because I have to, but because I wanted to learn. When I go to school happy. When I look forward to school. Don't get me wrong, I still do. Just that many things - everything else - makes me die on the inside.
What is the Singapore education system even.
So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
11:51 PM
Last night I had a dream of you. Of us. And it was nice. Heck, it was good. So nice and so good to be back together with you. I think I'm delusional because for the whole of today I kept thinking of it, kept thinking of us as though 'us' still exists. But does it? Does it not?
I'm sorry, alright? For treating you bad, for everything. You promised not to be another regret in my life, right? Come back, please. Anyone, you over anyone.
Come back and tell me why I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
7:56 PM
I know it's stupid because you'll never read this, what more even think about me. As much as I don't show it, I miss you. I really do. Why won't you reply me? And the reason I find it so hard to move on is because you never really told me, have you? I never really left, have I? I'm loyal to you. All our promises still stand. I will never leave until you tell me to. But you never did. You never did say yes or no. Is it so difficult? You still need me - yes or no? It's not fair to me. It's not fair to me to be feeling like this. To be torn between staying with you or leaving you because truthfully I still want you but you don't need or want me anymore, right? I don't even have an answer to that. Why are you doing this to me?
Such an utopian dream for OG days to last forever because as much as I hate to admit it, we are drifting apart. It feels as though I'm the only one who still cares but I've had enough I don't want to be the only one trying. People say Councillors tend to forget who their old friends were, or don't have time for them anymore. I don't want that to happen to me. I'm really trying. But it seems that 47th SC are the people I'm becoming close to. And OG21 floorballers, that's all. Really. And someone but I'm just counting on what he said in my orientation ego booster which was ages ago but it's okay I still believe.
Why is my world falling apart?
All I know is since yesterday is everything has changed.
So baby can we dance?
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
12:36 AM
If people actually really wanna know the reason why I'm close to him (I wouldn't say so close), here's why: Because I choose to.
Because from the very first day (or second day) (or the day even before) we met I tried. I really tried. Haha yes I use a lot of my courage and bravery on him but it was and is my choice, and I don't regret it. Why? Because my efforts are appreciated. And there's nothing sweeter than being appreciated for your efforts. :)
His (extremely long) message in my ego booster is the reason why I still try, why I still care, up till today. Fifty four days ago, that is something that won't change. It's the reason why, whatever that's between us, I don't want to break it. Even if I have mixed feelings. Even if either one of us have feelings. I will deny them all. I can't afford to believe them. Because things can only stay the same, or be worse from now on. And how do I know? Been there, done that. (Oh, and I will try to erase that memory of being really close to him it scared me though that was exhilarating but it was my fault lol but that was too close like closer than I imagined help I need to burry myself in embarrassment.)
Anywaysss, even though OG days are over, and things are no longer the same as they were before, I'm glad things happened. I'm thankful for the memories. I am thankful for him putting up with my stupid pickup lines heh. And I am grateful for the silent support he gives me. And I will do the same. Why? Because he means a lot to me.
His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes, and if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie.
It's hard to make a conversation when he's taking my breath away.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
7:12 PM
Fast forward and Term 2 Week 2 is over already :) Haha how things have changed, for the better and for the worse. And yes I have lots of work to catch up on but I need to blog (not really but still). Probably because I feel so urgh. Sick. And tired. Boarding was crazy tiring but I enjoyed every single day of it. Every single day. Boarding this time round was good to me. Quite sad to leave though, the last time ever I'm boarding... But still, I'm glad it happened. So blessed to have new friends: OG21 and floorballers. I never would have imagined NJ life becoming this good. :)
End of Council campaigning. I loved every moment of it because it made me stronger and it made me grow as a person. It was a scary thing to do - to speak in front of the school. I loved my speech though. I still remember it and I feel at a loss because I'll never get to say it again. And even though I may not get in, it was a nice experience making even more new friends. And under all the stress and pressure, I can safely say that I am thankful I picked up the form. :)
Got floorball jerseys after school on Friday (I really don't mind my number hehe because/but people would think of relating it to something/someone else I'm sorry). Trying to be positive about everything in floorball since it's just a minor hiccup, in a sense.
I hate how I make friends only to lose some. I miss you. A lot. I guess. But do you care? No. Do you need me? No. Sigh. Never even reply. Am I not worthy of a reply? Who am I to you? Where are the plans we made for two?
I refuse to end on a bad note so let's end with formal dinner. :) Haha so it was raining after school on Friday and I was being a total retard to walk in the heavy, pouring rain to get Island Creamery for someone oops and it's probably the reason why I'm feeling so sickly now yuuuck. Died of embarrassment (many more throughout the night) because people saw ermehgawd obviously there'd be people at level 3 pantry right silly me haha act natural everything is normalll. But yeah was it worth it yes it was. :)
Kinda regret not taking many pictures, but since when did I ever take many pictures? Quality is better than quantity hahaha. The food was good, for the first time ever. :) I didn't dance because I don't dance. So yeah, was dying for 1 hour plus walking around aimlessly but nobody was part of the No-Dance-Club sooo. :( But in the end, good food, even better company. :) Shall post photos here instead because I don't wanna spam instagram and facebook is too old :P
ps. My fashion sense isn't that bad right even with a wardrobe disaster HAHAHA.
