Gawd I feel so bad. "You must save him before he destroys himself." Help. I'm not a saviour. I never thought that I could ever be one. I don't know what to do. Boohoo. Feeling so helpless.

I will never pressure my children. I will never push my children. Doesn't matter if they aren't as smart as me, they are perfect the way they are. They have their own strengths.

Have you ever felt so pressured you just want to give up? Like, "No, I can't do this anymore."

Gah. I wouldn't know. I've never been pressured by my parents. By peers yes, by myself yes. But that's my choice. Its different.

Sigh I wish I could help. God help me help you.

Urgh. What I hate about class debates is that its so stupid. And biased. Everybody follows their own opinion when voting. And seriously by VOTING to see who wins?!

Sigh. The things I miss in debate. Yeah sure I'm a horrible speaker but the competition standard is there. Its more fun and challenging.

Puhlease. We would have won since opposition didn't honour their onus. Which was a very sneaky tactic since they totally ignored it. Also because I doubt anybody knows what it means.

But heh it was a lousy debate I admit. Didn't prep properly :P though I knew the stakeholder thing. But yeah what do you expect I was doing GS and LA at the same time-.-

Meh. If any of you are interested, the motion was "Single-sex schools let students achieve more." I'll upload proposition's argument here. Someday. Maybe. Pissoff.

On the bright side, I love my rebuttals haha take that. This debate is not set in the context of Singapore. #likeaboss

Anyways. Personally I don't think proposition could ever win cause everybody knows single-sex schools are just as good. Oh and, they don't have social problems, really. In fact, they are really knowledgeable about the other sex. Isn't that just wow. ;)

On a side note. I feel fat D: like really. I can't run. My legs are barely able to support my body. I feel my tummy fats coming on .___.

Ermahgawd I need inner strength and more time to complete everything sigh. I need to get straight As. Gah. Never have I ever felt so pressurised as now. Extreme mugger mode on.

Tiring day today sigh. I feel disgusting. PE then change back (I didn't drop my PE shirt this time :D) then AEP was in aircon room then go out raining so stickyyy eww.

Gah whatever I don't care that I run the slowest!! Sigh what a disgrace to svelte people who actually can run :') I'm not a runner I'm a shooter ohgod shooting has absolutely nothing to do with running or strengthening leg muscles. Well, maybe a little but yeah.

Eee I feel so bad I shouldn't have sounded so mean I didn't know :/ I shall buy cheaper cakes from now on >< embarrassing ttm to bring a cake in the mrt from Pasir Ris to Botanic Gardens._. On the bright side, the cake was nice I guess :X

Oh the power of procrastination. Haven't started on GS position paper and it's due on Friday. Weep weep.

Tempted to buy Believe Acoustic :(( but nooo I'm stubborn I need to save money for my wedding.

Which reminds me for today CCE the counsellor came. And the only thing which made me reflect was when Regine asked me what was my drive. Like what did I aim for in life. And I said to get married. I think I'm crazy. People would be like, "I want a big house, a nice car, a good job, lots of money, etc etc." but I just want to start a family. I am crazy. That's my main aim anyway. And to get there I'll obviously need all the materialistic things everybody else wants. Good grades, good qualifications, good job, good money, good life. Sigh.

Tired of this life. I wish I was hardworking. But well as the saying goes. Hardworking people are prodigies. Smart people are geniuses. ;)

I really need to find that book on how to raise a genius :X

Crazy day. Crazy weekend. I don't know why but I keep taking naps and sleeping early and waking up super tired. I think its because I've been using com the whole weekend._. For GS. Which I haven't started. Screw me and my procrastination. I swear I'm not gonna get a 9 to 5 job sitting in front of a com I'll just die. My eyes. O_O

Hmph. Seems like we're not on good terms anymore after last week. Just cause I left you?? Puhlease. Stop jerking off I didn't even do anything! And you're too hard for my liking. Urgh.

Hehee I love speaking like this I'm actually talking about my dear 700 nothing scandalous my friends ^_^

Seriously what did I ever do to deserve this? So you're telling me that if I change you won't believe I'm me? What if I'm not me all this time? What if I'm just another faker desperate for attention? What if I can't live up to your perfection?

Bitch please. I can't live up to anyone's expectations like this. Just another hypocrite trying to fit in.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not." Who am I, anyway?

Sucks to be someone who puts a smiley after each sentence. Another policy revision: No more smileys for most people.

Sighpie. Disappointment again huh. Kill me already.

My dad never called my mum a bitch. I am a disappointment. In more ways than one.

Sigh. Disappointing day disappointing people which causes my life to be filled with overwhelming disappointment. How disappointing.

God that word doesn't make sense to me anymore. Overused. Just like me. Huh well I guess my face screams disappointment anyway.

Hi guys give me all the disappointment in your life I have waaay too much a little more doesn't matter does it.

Angry day, go away. Looking great for everyone but myself. Giving in although its not my fault. The least I can do. Sigh. Not now. Dear me, stop being a loser. I disappoint myself too.

Sighsighsigh. February OMS was saddening. I shot 350 gahhhhhh! Which was worse than my January OMS and my HTNSIS :( and I have NTUIS in March! Sigh. I hate being late. Which means having to rush. Which means less concentration and confidence. Ermahgawd you have no idea how horrible I felt while shooting today.

Things I learnt:
1. Trigger properly! Pull pull boom always works!
2. KEEP CALM and BREATHE.
3. Pull back and bring the gun closer!!
4. Positive mindset! Waiii I am only serious during competitions._.

Hmm btw I saw this guy called Elliot :) (I know his name because, well, his suit says so duhh) Reminds me of 'Laters, baby' hehe! Elliot in 50 Shades of Grey :)

Weep weep today is the day I say goodbye to my 603 :') farewell my friend! You have served me well these four years. From gun 2 who spoilt and couldn't live fire anymore to gun 9 which has since been renumbered to 603870 :D

I miss the way I hold you and bring you so close to my body. Running my fingers across your body, feeling every detail of you. My slight touch could fire you off ;)

Thank you my dear gun. I will miss you dearly :')

Hello my 700 :3

Today Road Run was actually okay. Had polaroids but must pay but I'm fine with that. Didn't get my volunteer towel. Road marshalling was horrible the amount of millipedes is too damn high. Permanent phobia of millipedes.

Sigh I am so depressed. I hate it. I hate being pushed. And now everyone's pushing me I feel like raging and punching everyone. Just shut up. Me pushing myself is more than enough. Grr. Super agitated. I can't live like this.

Achievement unlocked. Didn't sleep in any lesson today :'D which caused me to get a major headache and nausea during Malay which was like at 130pm. Had a super great nap in shooting range! :D :D because of stupid SH1 tryouts so I couldn't train so I slept :3 thanks Shawn for giving up the sleeping place aka two benches + ikea cushion LOL. Nevertheless, good sleep ^_^

Seriously, Raffles? Have you no sense to take the next train? Marymount isn't that far.

Ermahgawd guys can't you take a compliment._. But wow.

Today two embarrassing things happened. One: I drooled on my IH booklet which I think many people saw. Two: I slept during Star Symposium which I think many people saw too. Baaad :/

Star Symposium actually quite fun la :) Sigh I wonder how people got into Star Programme in the first place :'(

Lol my legs are dying cause of PE yesterday. Sigh. I really don't care if I'm the slowest runner bleh.

Hehe Road Run on Friday and I'm road marshall! :3

Tonight was one tough night and more to come but I know we'll make it through.

Bye to the richness I used to feel.

Just as I tweeted, those of you feeling sad for Valentine's day, "Someday things will be perfect, it'll be worth it all this time."

Sigh what happened to my Instagram it keeps crashing :(

It'll be by your side
I lose myself tonight
It'll be you and I~

Stupid MRT fault. I was gonna be early for school okay. With less than 3hours of sleep. But nooo it had to be 20min late cos of that stupid public transport. And guess what. I reached school just on time to take IH test. Thanks alot.

Today is a tiring day lucky it was quite fast yay. Can't believe I forgot to bring all things LA related. And my shooting jacket too. Sigh shouldn't sleep so late tsk.

Vday huh. I don't know what to do.

Sigh. It's weird when suddenly I'm the one who doesn't feel insecure and desperate. I try not to be, at least. It makes me feel guilty. And the worst thing is, I'm not a great person who can comfort people. I wish I knew all the right words to say.

To do list:
- GS Position Paper
- LA Overdue Compre
- LA Homework Compre
- Maths Homework Set 1
- Bio Article Review
- Physics Practice Questions
- Physics Group Task
- Chem Assignment
- Study for IH Test
- Spend more time with you.

Happy CNY guys :3 though I'm sick weep weep. Haha actually I was sick ytd. 38.3deg :'( and it dropped to 37.6deg at 3am and 36.6deg at 1pm the next day aka today :D yay my speedy recovery! Still feel horrible sigh.

Ate a few servings of yusheng today omg I think its a little too much._. And its not even my dinner :/ but oh well. So much for eating more and growing fat. Eating more veg won't make me fat right? :D

Hahaha. Nothing's changed.

Haha. Wonder if you ever miss me. If you ever think about me. I guess I shall forgive you. Simply because what-if-I-have-a-son-who-turns-out-to-be-like-you-obviously-I-want-him-to-be-forgiven. So yeah. I was so young you should have known but you had to lean on me. I hate to waste money so maybe I should give that. Something which I was supposed to give long ago. Overdue.

Still wondering how I can screw up four years of my life. Technically three years since this year isn't counted. "Four years - is it your whole life? Is it going to affect your whole life?"

Time to stop this nostalgic feeling and dry my eyes from all the tears. I wonder if I will be successful in the future. Happy with it. If I'll ever get to sing If You Could See Me Now with such conviction. "Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow? Oh if you could see me now."

Its late at night and I can't sleep. Missing you just runs too deep. Gave up trying to find ways to win tickets to The Script and Adam Lambert concerts, and Believe Acoustic giveaways. Ohwell. Maybe The Fray concert was all I needed :) Anything for you~

Sigh. I actually...want...a...dslr... :/ a canon one :) ohwell. The only one I can use is the AEP one :'( its so cool I swear. Although I suck at it cause its my first time but still. I'm completely blown away~

Formal Dinner was as shitty as last year. Dancing was weird cause how are you supposed to 'party' in heels? And well, I can't dance. Photobooth was cool :) took the least number of pictures this year though.

Immature.

Thankyou. I did it. No more disappointment and self pity. No more stubbornness (thanks to Mr Ooi for asking us to write one bad quality about ourselves and then burning it in the physics lab._.) No more tears.

Yeah I'm ready to feel now, no longer am I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end.

All this negativity is going to break me again. Am I naive? Is my happiness equal to my ignorance? Am I supposed to let people talk me out of this? Back to square one. I can't go back there. Please.

I'm shaking from the pain that's in my head just wanna crawl into my bed and throw away the life I led.

Is this in my head I don't know what to think.

You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow.

-shakes head- I can't go on like this. Stop feeling sorry for myself for who knows what reason. Cause I'm on a mission, I want you all to myself right now. I won't fail. Not now, not ever. I might be the one.

Just don't give up, I'm working it out. Please don't give in, I won't let you down.

Grr. So there was CNY dinner and then no study prep. Which was fine by me because studying in the room is better. And then suddenly in the midst of my mugging, there was a knock on the door! Knowing that nobody ever comes to my room, I was waiting for the person to open the door. After a few awkward moments, I walked to the door (annoyed) and opened it.

Surprise! Nobody! Then Sharon Phua came back. And she was like "Were you sleeping?" I said "No." She said "Don't know how to greet is it?" I said "Uhh...good evening." Yes, it was 1030pm.

Lol I was seriously nonchalant. And got a lousy grade for boarding. THANKS A LOT. Tsk. Makes me wonder why Mr Ooi even wants me to be an LIB -.- cheat my feelings.

Oh then she walked away. And I didn't know what to do so I stood there holding the door until she came back. I was stumped. Then she said "Why so dark?" OH COME ON I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR CONVERSATIONS.

Thinking back I should have replied I was praying when she asked if I was sleeping and I was saving electricity when she asked why so dark. Or I could have said I'm a vampire. Lol. I actually dare. Just that I couldn't be bothered and I was pissed that someone made me stand and walk to the door. Grr.

It just gets worse doesn't it.

Wanted to remember
Never missed a second
Now I wish I could forget.

Sorry. I'm really sorry. Feeling insecure as hell again. Torn between two. Save myself or let you win? Hurt you or hurt me? Trying to find a middle line between two. You don't deserve this, but do I deserve what comes along with this? Am I thinking too much? I don't want things to end like they did before. Am I desperate? What if I screw up? Am I running away from my problems? Am I delaying the inevitable? Guys and girls can never be just friends. Is that true? What if what everyone says is true? That things won't work out? Should I distance myself? Is it too late for that?

ERMAHGAWD I WILL CRY WEEP WEEP.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage.

Edit: Sigh. After much thinking, I realised I shouldn't put you through this.

Let me go and I will run.

This has got to be the most unproductive weekend ever. Saturday: HTNSIS. Sunday: Sleep. I SWEAR RED BULL DOESN'T WORK. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE AND WENT TO SLEEP AND I WAKE UP EVEN MORE TIRED. Its disgusting too. Makes me feel like I'm eating/drinking some kind of performance drug thing. Eew. WELL AT LEAST IT WAS FREE :D weird people promoting to us after HTNSIS xD Mr Chew didn't want us to take :P

HTNSIS was mehhh. Idk why but now I'm so nonchalant, as if what I shot ytd wasn't a competition. Stupid last series :( I really think I wore my suit differently :( on the bright side, my mental and time management were great :D

Can't wait for last week of boarding heh. Practically two formal occasions :0 and lots of nice food! I hope. Drowning in work :'( People pressurising me to get a boyfriend. People assuming I have a boyfriend already. People nagging at me not to have a boyfriend. God, I wish life was easy again before all this messed up hormones. Yknow, I think I really like being friends.