Yknow I have never thought about suicide as much in my whole entire existence as I do this year and I guess that's just sad to think about how much I've been pushed to the corner and driven to the deep end to even form such thoughts in my mind and I swear if not for religion, you'd find my dead body at the ground floor of my flat by now or maybe with my rather sharp and pretty star-shaped "Overall Top PSLE Student" trophy halfway through my heart.

It is difficult to not cry when I feel this helpless of a disappointment but I cannot because I will end up having really swollen eyes the next day and sleeping through every single lesson because my eyes really hurt (like today). So please don't ask why.

Almost went on a hunger strike today hahaha not because I am immature but because I cannot stand being at the receiving end of such care and concern only to be beaten down by hurtful words at the end of the day when I even try to slightly open up. So no, I'm not going to try anymore. Even if it means losing myself. And that's okay I guess because it's not like anyone knew me anyway. Not my ambition, not my dreams, not my goals, not my plans for my future university and course and life for that matter. Go ahead and push me till I break; you're simply pushing me away and away I shall run and distance myself, because I don't see or feel any reason to stay anyway. But no, I didn't go on a hunger strike because I felt bad. I don't know. When I have my own children in the future, I'll make sure not to push them so hard.

I don't even know the reason I'm living anymore, what more the motivation to do well? I'm living because I'm not ready to die and go to hell, not that I don't want to die already. I don't know. I don't even know when my thinking became so morbid.

You know you set me off the rails and you'll be to blame if you ever hear I jumped in front of the train we're both fucked in the brain.