And I cannot help but think about how different things would be if I wasn't so insistent on pleasing others and working hard for others. How much less stress I'd be under now if I had been more...average. More average academically and maybe socially too. Average expectations to get an average job with an average pay and live an average life.

But who likes average, anyway? Ironic how average is also known as mean which is also known as expectation. (See my math isn't all that bad.) (But I still believe that the only thing that I do reasonably well in is English related subjects, if I do say so myself.) Expectations are mean. Haha, get it?

But what I don't get is meeting Heads of Departments and meeting teachers. Because what are they gonna say? Why didn't you do well? What are some areas of improvement? Is there any way we can help you? Because I'm stupid and incapable. Everything needs improvement. No there is no way.

I hate how I hate education because I used to love and enjoy it.

I try so hard I don't even want to anymore. I'm exhausted. The past six years of failure have really beaten me down so low. Maybe I am a failure. Succumbing to it now only proves the point.