Finally friday omg never have I ever looked forward to fridays so much like this year haha and I think the thing about being in j2 is that you are constantly reminded of how close As is and it's really really stressful sigh. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE RESEARCH IS OVER!!! It was really a good experience, I dont mind doing it all over again. And although I know I'm far from being the best, at least I became a better person through this and it is something that I will never ever regret. Time to focus on my 4 H2s and GP!!! Yes I am grateful to have not been forced to drop bc really I wouldnt know what to drop sigh. As much as my combi is painful and risky and lonely (only one in the whole cohort), I actually kinda like it. Like a good balance between arts and sciences bc hybrid, lots of breaks so I have time to study (yes I'm a closet mugger) or sleep like today bc v v tired hahah. And most importantly nobody with the same combi hahaha bc ppl will get sick of me and then I'll get sick of people getting sick of me that I'll rather be alone haha. But yeah sometimes it sucks to eat alone. That's the only thing bugging me the most. That's the only thing I hate about school actually. Seeing people when walking through corridors and being alone during breaks that I'd rather skip lunch zzz but whatever la one more year here then I'll be gone.

Anyways tutoring today again!! :) I love tutoring/teaching really, but I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with being an MOE teacher, yknow the prospects of being in a school again and going through all these social problems I already face as a student so no thank you. But yeah I love teaching haha embarrassed myself today though :( but it's okay bc the students I was teaching that qn to didn't really have the drive to learn anyway. Which makes me really sad bc they remind me a lot of me.

In primary school I tried my best really. I loved studying what I was studying. I loved going to school. I loved doing hw. I loved education in general. And seeing these kids struggle with basics really breaks my heart bc they don't know what the future is like. I didn't know either, and I regret. I wish I had someone to tell me that going to a mixed school wasn't everything. To tell me that distance was an important factor, especially when my parents cannot afford to send me to school. To tell me that friends are only as important as a means of being a better student bc ultimately everyone uses you. To tell me that studies were and are very very important. That I should not waste time. To have someone to teach me and be patient with me.

And I now know why I did so well. So to all you people who keep asking "wah siao how you get 281?!?!?!" here's my answer. I loved education. I loved school. I loved waking up for school. School was near, I didn't need to spend 3 hours on average every single day for travelling. My teachers cared about me which made me like them a lot bc I felt special. I quit floorball in p5 and became CCA-less up to PSLE bc academics are important. But also bc health is important, so I wouldn't tire out and sleep in class (started happening in jh3 when my grades started to drop). And most importantly, I had the support from my family. Or so I thought. Idk, I was young I felt that way. How my parents spent time teaching me concepts I didn't understand in school. How they believed in me.

And everything changed bc its no longer there. I don't feel that the support is there. And I don't blame them. Bc they can no longer teach me jc or even secondary syllabus. It's not the same to take up tuition, it just isnt. And I don't blame them. But I hope that I will be a better parent to my children in the future. Bc things will get tougher, and I want to be able to help bc I know what its like to be alone and helpless, the feeling of giving up every single day, facing failure every single day, facing unsupportive people every single day. And that is why I no longer dream. I no longer share my ambitions or my future plans bc people will just laugh it off and its not funny. Its not funny at all to me and sometimes I wish theyd just die.

Sometimes I think that I cannot be as bad as those whom I grew up with who end up at the bottom of the society, taking their lives away slowly by engaging in underaged smoking etc etc. But then I realised, I was already dead, dying under all the pressures of education, of jc life and its society and all the societal norms of top student go top school. And maybe, these people whom I possibly have looked down upon, have more life than I ever will have.