Blogging only because I cant sleep and will probably end up watching too many videos for my own good. Idk wasting so much time whenever Im at home so yeah. Basically late night thoughts/thoughts which never really left my mind.
Happy cny!!! Like every other festive occassion is to strengthen family ties and rekindle relationships blah blah right but sometimes I wonder whats the point when you dont even really mean it? When you do things for people who dont even appreciate or care because they share the exact same thoughts as you do. Just because its tradition. Just because you need to follow traditions in this Asian context. Are traditions important? Do they define us - or do they define our ancestors? Thoughts haha this is why I will never write GP essays on tradition because personally, there are a whole lot of people that I wish I wasnt related to - both by blood and by water I guess? And I think the feeling is mutual. Why would you want to be related to people who have no impact or a negative impact on you?

Which is why I should forget. Its time to let go and move on. But really you can never forget, just find someone new to make new memories with and pretend that old ones dont exist. But I dont want to be that kind of person, just finding another. Yes its easy when guys throw themselves at you but the feeling isnt there anymore. I think that the older you are the more mature you become and you finally understand that its not about popularity and its not about how you look or how many guys fall for you but its who you are and how you let people treat you and basically, human interaction. And sadly, I lack the latter aspects. And yes, I regret. I regret not thinking. I regret being so naive. In many many instances over the years. If I could turn back time and tell myself what I know now, maybe I wouldve been a better person. But knowing me, I would be stubborn and not listen anyway.

I wish we all knew what we were getting ourselves in. Because I didnt and I live with the consequences. Of having close to no friends (definition: someone who thinks that their your best friend and would choose you out of everyone else just as you would) because I think such friendships form at a young age and I guess Im not blessed with such friends. Being alone is nice, being lonely isnt. But it really bugs me on where to draw the line between trying too hard to make friends and making an effort to socialise. Theres always someone better. And theres always an odd number of people. And somehow I always end up alone.

Of giving up so easily. Which has led me to taking on everything because I dont want to miss out on anything. I dont want to look back and regret not trying something. Even though Im jack of all trades and master of none. Even though I may fail in the end at least I tried and knew. Even though it hurts in the end at least I enjoyed it for a moment.

Of love because I dont think I will ever understand the concept of someone loving me as much as I love them. Or the concept of someone loving me at all. Today I watched 500 days of summer and I admit, it was kinda weird like I honestly dont like summer but Ive come to realise that maybe I am summer. And it makes me feel so so bad because I dont want to hurt people. Summer is so eww why would anyone like her. Just like me ha ha. But it would be nice to hurt people and fall in love in the end. Thats mean and heartless but thats what having your heart broken does to you.

I just want to do well for As and get a good job and get married and realise that all Ive been worrying about wasnt so worrying after all. Yknow how when we were young we had dreams to be rich to stay in a huge house to go overseas to travel the world to marry some bigshot etc etc but I really just want to be happy now. Ive lowered my expectations its such a wonder why I cant achieve them.

Im not sure of a thousand things but I am sure that I will never ever revisit my past even though it may come back to me because those things were never meant to last and I knew it from the start and I will remember it for the rest of my life. Not because Im bitter about it but because Im better without it. I wish people were different and I wish I didnt misplace my feelings but its okay someday things will be perfect it will be worth it all this while.

I long for the day my vision isnt clouded by tears and my thoughts arent clouded by you.