Wanted to blog ytd but too tired haha actually really tired today too but since I can't really sleep so yeah. My birthday kinda sucked, but only because I was expecting something. Idk what but yeah. Never again am I going to expect things anymore. Okay not really expect but kinda wish for but I expected it not to happen so yeah kinda disappointing but it's okay my life is disappointing. Really quite sad. O level results on my birthday ha ha yeah even though it doesn't concern me but yeah. I'm not even worth telling sigh. Kinda wanna turn back time really really badly. And change things? Kinda really wish that things worked out. But oh well nothing I can do if what we had was real how could you be fine cause I'm not fine at all. And I'm just putting this all on myself like making myself feel worse and everything sigh.

Which made me make my today bad too. Lol had PE height and weight and I'm disgustingly heavy but surprisingly I can afford to gain another 3kg to become acceptable? Hahaha but I feel so fat my thigh gap is disappearing lol help. Freaking unfit idek how I'm gonna pass napfa this year :(

Which kinda reminds me all over again what it means to be in a sports cca hahaha. Oh well. But training today was meh mediocre. Idk. Why does it seem like I'm the only one trying to the point that I give up trying already. Is it fair for me to constantly train while others don't? Yes I guess it is I guess I cannot expect much from people who have no idea what it's like to be in Div2 league. But oh well. No drive to win top 4? I thought it was impossible in league but we're halfway there and topping the table and I'm proud. I'm proud to have improved. From crying after PJ guys friendly because I was so bad to saving penalties. Yeah idk I put so much heart and soul into this is it even worth my sacrifice. My knees and toes hurt like shit again today idek how long I can continue doing this but sheesh why do I try so hard to keep things together. Yeah I should just give up. Adding to the fact that I don't even feel part of the team. Adding to the fact that coach may really be Jing Jie's Div3 coach idek I can't rmb but similarities hmm it hurts.

I'm losing passion for all the things I love. I don't even love anything anymore. I am nobody - nobody with no passion, no hobby, no identity.