Honestly as much as I seem to be in control of my life and my future and my plans sometimes I feel like it's all coming down because of my incompetency and it makes me so upset at myself. Sometimes or maybe most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing, what more if I'm doing the right thing or not sigh life is so difficult I'm spending hours on my research report which I don't think I can finish today, what more my homework by tomorrow sigh why am I so dumb and incompetent I want to do it's not like I don't want to do homework - really if I had the brains I'll be more than willing to do anything. (Or maybe not. Maybe I didn't that's why now I can't.) I don't know sigh I want to - no, need - to do things by myself and not depend on others because if I can let myself down, what more others?

Listening to the same three songs for the past 9 hours (yes that's how long I spend writing my report and I'm not even done and progress is slow and I still have ssef report to do but that's slightly easier) anyways yeah three songs: Neon Love - Karmin, Night Changes - One Direction and You & I - One Direction haha freaking moody or something today or lately I don't even know I don't even know what I want anymore back to the usual pushing people away sigh.

Can't quite grasp the fact that people actually like/d me ha ha stop liking me I don't even like myself.

I don't know how to react to all this the last time someone older liked me (or what it seemed like) was yeaRS ago I don't even believe it anymore I don't even want to and I won't.

I don't think it's fair to treat people the way I do but too many have come and gone lol sad that I'm getting more nonchalant.

Christmas today ha ha idk it's been forever since I spent my Nov-Dec period alone like yeah without nice company. Which makes me pretty sad because as much as I don't expect things, I was kinda hoping on getting a floorball stick for Christmas/my birthday ha ha well a girl can dream.

Next year is next week // next week is next year I better get my shit together forreal.

Funny how your touch used to burn me up now I'm not feeling anything at all. // Our love was made for movie screens.