Sigh sigh haven't blogged in ages because I don't have the time to and really busyyy so like yeah. I should be sleeping now because need to catch up on sleep but neverminddd.

Haha so 1st July - 3rd Ramadhan. Like what are the odds that our birthdays would coincide. Like if only we could/would have celebrated together. Haha and so happens that I was scrolling through my phone gallery and found a picture of us from my birthday like six months ago. I guess I never really delete or throw away things. I guess I never really did let go.

So today is/was youth day in lieu or whatever so I planned on going to IMRE but I woke up at 10am omg yes that may sound pretty early considering that I woke up at 3pm on Saturday and 11am on Sunday but yeah not early :( so change of plans I went to mug at Starbucks instead.

And so little tortoisey walked the distance of four bus stops from my house to reach a bus stop to take a bus to the airport (hence the title of this post hehe all my blog post titles are chosen carefully ok). Then I got the JunHeng feel HAHA while walking and in the bus, like the what is life kinda feel.

So yeah. I don't want to live. I don't want to live like this, anyway. And I don't want to die. I don't want to die like this, anyway. I am not prepared. I know this life is about preparing for death but I am not prepared. I love this world too much I hate it. And I am so depressed because grades. Depression is a side effect of dying.

Do you know how hard it is to be me? To be right on top and then right at the bottom. No, because nobody has ever been in my situation. PSLE top scorer to at-risk. Straight As to straight Us. I want to cry. I really do. It's not like I'm not trying. I don't even understand. I lost all confidence in myself. I let people down. I don't want to but it happens and I can't stop it.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I had chosen differently. Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I wasn't born smart. Sigh education. Sigh academics. Would I be happy? This time this year, I could be a Normal Academic student in Secondary 5. Or an ITE student. Or a polytechnic student. Or a dropout. But no, I'm a JC student. I am smart enough to get here, but am I smart enough to ace this?

Times like this I really can't help but to break down. I know I have friends but sometimes I just feel so alone. Not only alone but lonely. Like today though I hate to admit it. So many couples studying at Starbucks lol. I know it isn't the right time to be in love and all but still. It seems so...nice. To have someone understand you and be there for you. But nobody will ever understand me anyway. Nobody has and will ever go through what I've gone through. I know I have family but sometimes they're just so distant. I mean I don't talk about these things to them anyway. They won't understand either. Even if they did, there's nothing much that they can do. They're already doing what they can. And here I am just being a burden. Being a let-down. Being a disappointment.