Haha I didn't really want to blog about this because it's really personal but I would really regret not doing so. So yeah. Before tomorrow, before things change forever.

Heck. Why do I make it sound as if things really are changing for the worse/worst? *thinks rationally* because I have so many friends - good friends - saying the same thing. It may sound fallacious but considering the...nature...of this...and the person(s) involved...sigh. You get my point.

It's really quite upsetting. Quite upsetting is an understatement. I said this before and I'll say it again. We agreed not to leave until one of us is convinced that the other found someone better. We promised. Did that happen? No, as far as I know. I repeat, we did not freaking break up. If we did I'd be in tears for days, weeks and months. What happened to loyalty? Or is it just one sided because I've lived with Loyalty with Integrity?

I have so many questions unanswered even though I asked. Is it so difficut to answer? No. I don't understand. Why are you doing this to me. But anyway, with the help of my truly good good friends, I will finally know the answers tomorrow. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I just want closure. Even though closure is such a negative word to use.

Honestly, I'm having mixed feelings. If we truly end everything, I will be devastated. Beyond devastated. But if I were given a choice, I don't trust myself to make the right decision. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust you. I have never been so close to someone as I have with you. What about our promises and dreams of the future? What about us?

Sometimes I feel stupid like everyone is judging my boyfriend taste or something but I don't know. Do I have low standards or something. I don't know. Do people understand that the reason I don't "deserve someone better" is because I'm not a good person? People like me deserve the worst because I am the worst.

I said this before and I'll say it again. My feelings for you have never changed.