The Tortoise In The Shell

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer.

Sunday, December 18, 2016 10:08 PM

I'm just feeling so sad and disappointed and depressed, like, I was wrong all this time. I was wrong to think that anything and everything could and would work out, that things would be perfect, that I was making good desicions.

I so, so desperately want to be right. Partly because I'm so sick of starting over again and again, partly because I'm sick of all the false hope. I'm sick of fighting and throwing out things I just want to settle down.

I hate waiting. It just means that I'm not good enough. I'm not the answer screaming right in your face and I'm not even worth any amount of sacrifice or even thought.

I so, so desperately want to be yours.

Or am I in love with the feeling?

Saturday, June 11, 2016 8:55 PM

We're in 21st century multiracial multiethnic multireligious Singapore and you tell me you're uncomfortable with me? Even my FRIENDS don't say that. I really don't know how to feel. Do I even have any left?

I really tried but you can only bring the horse to water; you can't make it drink.

So much for proving my parents wrong; so much for putting in so much effort.

Why bother getting to know me when you already don't like what you see?

Why does it matter if I lie to you?

Sunday, May 1, 2016 10:37 PM

Really don't know if it's hormones (but since when do hormones act up DURING periods?) or just me being ultra emotional after reading fifty shades again (ya judge me) (but I don't even remember it being so emotional anyway) but my heart really hurts. Sure, it's been great getting back together but things just never really felt the same like it did before. Not that before was good; maybe it was bad and now is worse.

I don't know why I bother or try so hard to even do things sometimes - maybe I should give up, maybe there's no point. Which was something I convinced myself previously yet I'm back at this state of being indecisive.

I'm just so disgustingly needy I don't even know how I got to this state it's disgusting. Weren't you the one begging for my attention - not the other way around? I hate being needy. Maybe I don't need you like how you don't need me anyway. You DID leave before. How the heck am I supposed to make you stay? Make things worth it? Things don't work that way - you stay because you want to, not because I want you to.

Am I loved because I don't feel so. Am I needed or is all you need my physical makeup?

You feel so far away it's like I don't know you anymore but maybe I never did anyway. It hurts.

I'm here without you baby.

Friday, March 11, 2016 10:32 PM

Haish association of muslim converts singapore. So why am I here? Why am I here alone? Nobody to bring and nobody to go with. Not even close. I failed again eh. I'm a fucking failure. Show it beautifully? I tried. I really did. I tried more than I ever did before.

Why am I here with such a heavy heart? Why am I here when I already know what's it about? Reminder to self about what a failure I am?

I really wanted things to work out. Do you know how beautiful that would be? Very. But things never turn out the way I want them to right. Is it so hard? Is it so difficult to open your heart and mind to the truth? Am I crazy? Do I not speak sense?

I miss you or maybe just the memories or maybe just the feeling of being in love. Even though it was fleeting. Even though it may not have been sincere. Being cared for was nice. Being a reason for someone was nice, although I know that's not the right way of living.

I just want someone to lead me.

We'll forever be enough.

Saturday, March 5, 2016 1:43 PM

This is the true post results day thoughts and feelings: i f***ed up sh*t what am i going to do what a mess am i really that stupid? It's sad how we take comfort in knowing that there are people who do worse, but hey, that's NOT nice. That isn't even a good outcome of education (yet it is).

Maybe it would have been better for me to have gone full arts. Maybe drop to H1. Maybe retain. But it really all doesn't matter now does it. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you're a year older taking the A levels, or offerring one less unit than other students. What matters the most are your grades. #ishouldhaveknown

And I know it hurts. It hurts doing badly. It hurts being last. I entered the exam hall thinking, "Wow I'm the stupidest one taking the exam here because of my zero/one percentile (depending which subject)." Yes my prelim results were terrible it's a good thing I improved; I know there are those who didn't and I'm sorry. Anyway, so yeah. I know what it feels to suck. It sucks.

It's nice when people comfort you, saying things like it's ok there'll be a way don't give up it's not too bad blah blah. Thank you but I know I suck.

No, I did not cry. Should I? Maybe. Just that I'm not thinking about it. Don't dwell on the past because it's over (also because it's bad). I don't want to think about it please don't ask. Don't ask about how I did or where I'm going. I'm not so sure myself what to do. When I cannot even accept myself, how are others going to do the same?

Nothing is going my way is it?

I'm hoping for the day when you'll terribly regret it to come.

Sunday, February 14, 2016 9:23 AM

Valentines date more like tuition date but that's okay sometimes being busy takes your mind off things. Maybe that's why I keep working. Instead of studying, of course. I can barely remember anything I learnt in school although it's been like, only two months?

Busy busy spending my days watching videos hahaha I finished 103 episodes in 3 days??? D. Gray-Man of course hoho for the third time!!! All abroad the 7-8 years of wait train omg it's been so long. But then I read the wiki page for the manga version and omg it's so twisted. D: but I will watch!!! When it comes that is. My eyes hurt so bad it feels as though my myopia got worse by another 200 degrees (if so, bye bye rsaf application). But anyways the opening and ending songs are always v nice!!! Except like, two. But yah like this song in this post is nice too. :)

Haish but distractions still suck but I'll be okay as long as you're happy. What is this stupid feeling of care for someone who doesn't reciprocate? The chase was always better than the fall and at least I lengthened the inevitable, eventual fall I guess. I don't know. I'll be fine. God is enough for me.

It's alright with me if you're happy, but I won't say I am because I don't think there's anything I can do to fix this loathsome, twisted heart of mine.

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

Monday, February 8, 2016 6:29 PM

I just keep wondering about you and what you do and what you think about me now and about everything. Things change and people change so I guess feelings go away although circumstances have always remained the same. I don't know. I can't let go. (Yet?) I wonder everyday.

I keep thinking. About the truth behind what you say. About how genuine everything was. The purpose, the reasons for even caring for me or pretending to. Was it fun? Was it fun to be loved and cared for?

CNY today and while the occasion does kinda relate to me a little, it makes me all the more sad. I can never really celebrate such traditional, racial customs. Because I'm neither here nor there. There isn't so much of a feeling or understanding of it. I guess that's how you feel about religion. All the more I should just move on yeah? I really thought we'd make it how naive and foolish of me. Your choice isn't me. What a depressing thought. What a depressing reality.

Yes we live in a multiracial society, we live harmoniously. But the sad thing is, I don't think we'd ever be able to adapt to each others' lifestyles.

And I know these scars will bleed.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016 12:01 AM

I am fine now I am so much better heh. Three days - magic number three. Always ask three times, always confirm thrice. So I guess it is true and you really aren't coming back you really aren't changing your mind and that's just really sad I thought we'd make it I thought you were different heck I thought you understood.

As much as work sucks, it isn't always so bad I guess. Meeting some people are nice. They remind me of who I should be. They sort of guide and inspire me I guess. Especially this one person whom I talked to for about an hour (about stuff outside my jobscope) casually. Yknow, life and all. And it makes me think and realise I really need to find my own direction.

What hit me the hardest was "do you have a boyfriend" "no" "good dont bother just take care of your parents first and do what you truly love". Because maybe I'm really self-centred, can't wait to grow up and, well, live. But I gotta remember that as I grow up my parents are getting old too. And perhaps it's about time I really fill in and submit that volunteer application form for darul arqam ahahaha if I can't save someone I love, I'll save my fellow brothers and sisters.

The truth so loud you can't ignore.

Monday, January 25, 2016 12:55 PM

I just can't stop thinking. Gah. What happened to I won't be the one to be left, I'll be the one leaving. Should've left from the start. Nothing NJ related is ever good.

But I still keep wondering. Was anything even ever true or real? Or lies? Bringing my hopes up for nothing?

Need to stop being affected it hurts my brain I can't even concentrate on work or anything for that matter. Gah. Thank god for a good home. It's the kind I want to build in the future too.